Well, I figure it's been about a year since I did this, and the people of the world have had no idea how the fuck to conduct themselves since the last time around. This time, I decided to take some real questions, rather than making everything up. Thing was, no one asked me any goddamn questions, so I scoured the internet and decided to field questions from Teen Advice Online for this edition. Now, giggle as I laugh at these people's real-life pain.
Q: Hi, My boyfriend and I haven't had sex yet and don't plan to until marriage. Recently we've been coming up with new ways to be more intimate without having sex. We've discussed showering together.
Is this safe? I mean, is there any way it could result in a pregnancy. I'm just trying to be careful. Thanks!!
Any time a naked male and a naked female come in close contact with each other, pregnancy ALWAYS results, in addition to your back and face becoming instantly encrusted by pus-dripping lesions and boils. My advice is get out of the shower and into a church, you harlot.
Q: I just got braces and I just wanted to know--is there anything different you have to do when kissing with them? And how do you kiss a girl w/ braces?
A: Come on man. You've got BRACES. You won't be kissing anyone any time soon.
Q: What exactly is a gothic person? what are all the details about goths? what do they believe in and stuff like that? there are no goths at my school, and i'd just like to know because i'm thinking about becoming a goth.
A: For starters, you should kill yourself. Like seriously kill yourself, and none of that barely-surviving "cry for help" crap. 12-gauges are totally fucking goth.
Q: When do you know you are a lesbian?
A: When you're in Norman, Oklahoma, and a charming guy wearing a Brian Urlacher jersey and a La Parka mask approaches, says "hey baby, wanna do me?" and you say "no," you know you are a lesbian.
Q: My ex-teacher asked me to babysit for him. The kids were about to turn on the t.v., when I realized it was time for bed. I politely asked them and they wouldn't listen. Then I got an idea and told them they lost all their privileges until they went to bed. I told them no tv, no movies, no computer, no snack, no drink, nothing until they agreed to brush their teeth, have a snack and go to bed. Well it seemed like a good strategy but they still didn't listen, they stayed outside the whole time. For future reference PLEASE tell me how i will be able to keep them under control.
A: 
Q: I gave a guy head last night for the first time an i am scared that the kid might have hepitits. he did not cum in my mouth so am i safe or am i screwed?
A: Wait, wait, wait. If just the appearance and general vibe the guy gave off apparently told you that he might have hepatitis, what the FUCK were you doing sucking his dick!? You're screwed, but for a variety of different reasons I won't go into in such a forum as this.
Q: How many times should an average person do #2 a day?
A: Depends on who #2 is.
Q: Can I ask how to create my own homepage? It's just that simple.
A: If it's just that simple, you can figure it out on your own, dipshit.
Q: I have been a pathological liar for about six years now. I'm sick of lying but every time I try to stop I find I can't. Can you help?
A: If you're really a pathological liar, how do you expect me to believe you're actually a pathological liar? Shit, my mind has been blown.
Q: In an article about weed this girl said lots of bull about weed that isnt true. She said her councelor told her that there was OD's on weed. It dont give u brain damage either because I smoke at the least a half quarter a day(3 and a half grams) but mostly a quarter for the past 2 years everyday. I failed once last year but this year I go to class real blasted and get 100% on a math test. I could smoke 2 ounces of weed and just pass out and passing out is just falling asleep when u burn out. God made weed god smokes weed,god loves weed.
A: Wow.
Q: I masturbate a lot I want to have sex and feel desperate. Please help.
A: Don't look at me, ya homo.
Q: I just lost my dad to aids and two good friends in car accidents. My faith in god has about vanished. I feel lost and alone. I tried to commit suicide, but a good friend stopped me then it became to much for him. I'm on anti-deppressants but they don't seem to help. How can I crawl out of this pit of gloom?
Q: How do i know if I am bisexual?
A: When you're in Norman, Oklahoma, and a charming guy wearing a Brian Urlacher jersey and a La Parka mask approaches, says "hey baby, wanna do me?" and you say "no" fifty percent of the time, you know you are bisexual.
Q: I have a friend who Hates himself. We meet this year and became bestest of friends. He wants to die just because he hates his life and he has tried to commit suicide but it didn't work. He tried cutting his wrist. And we have no idea what to do.
A: When cutting your wrists, remember, it's down the highway, not across the street. Hope this helps.
Q: I'm a school counsellor and I want to know about the best way to curtail teasing and bullying at the high school in which I work.
A:
Got a question? Sent it
to 
, so maybe next time,
I won't have to completely make everything up. Just keep in mind that I'll be
really mean and insulting, regardless of what your question is, so don't take
it too hard. Or do take it too hard, because I couldn't give a crap less.