Welcome to the first ever edition of Ask Doctor Knowledge, where I answer all your questions, because I'm smarter, better, and cooler than any of you.

Al Sleet of Cleveland, OH writes:

Dear Dr. Knowledge,

My relationship with my girlfriend is in trouble. We fight a lot, and she's always saying that I don't pay enough attention to her. What can I do?

Take it easy, buddy. The solution to this is simple, and it comes from a much wiser man than I. As the Beatles wrote in 1969, "the love you take is equal to the love you make." So the obvious answer is to take her out, wine her, dine her, and do everything possible to show you that you really care. Then, go home and make sweet love to her. Then, as soon as the bitch passes out, go through her house and start taking stuff.

Arthur Vandelay of New York, NY writes:

Tax season is coming up and I was wondering if you had any tips on how to get a bigger refund.

That's a statement, not a question, dick.

Hugh Rection of Butte, MT writes:

I'd like to play burned games in my Playstation 2, but I'm not sure what I'd have to do to get it to work. What advice do you have for modding a PS2?

This is a good question. As you can see, the Playstation 2 is a very delicate and complicated piece of electronic equipment, and great car must be taken when dealing with its inner workings. So all that crap with soldering chips in there is right out. Too dangerous. You don't want to mess with those electrons man. Before you know it, it'll malfunction, and you'll get sucked into the game console and trapped inside a new world of adventure, every Saturday morning on CBS. But if you do go this route, make sure the game you get magically sucked into is something like Playboy: The Mansion, and not The Suffering. That would be bad. Unless you're just that much of a hard muthafucka, then go right ahead. There's also the controversial method of installing a flip-top case and using a swap disk, but that's for crazy people. A video game system with a flip top. Yeah, right. Next, you'll be telling me that they'll make video game systems small enough to carry around someday. The flip-top case is fool's gold. Fool. I've devised a much better, more effective, less invasive, and really rad way of doing this with any dangerous tools like screwdrivers involved. It's quick, easy to install, and only costs $19.95, payable to me. I would tell you how it works, but for best results, you should just take a look at the finished product:

So as you can plainly see, after following my simple instructions, your Playstation 2 console has now been completely M.O.D.'ed. Oh. Wait. My bad. You said "modding," not "M.O.D.-ing." Well, if you don't want a sweet Playstation like this one, you can go screw yourself. Criminal-ass, game-burning motherfucker. Let's go to the next question.

Robert Blutarski of Leonardo, NJ writes:

Every day, I have to walk past this tree with a hornets' nest in it, and there's no way to avoid it. What do I do when a swarm of hornets is after me?

Play dead. Next question.

Gus Baker of Vice City, FL writes:

I'm in the ninth grade, and I'm having a really embarrassing problem. After baseball practice, the other boys laugh at me in the shower because of my small penis. What's worse is that they laugh even harder when I shower in my underwear. My mom says that I'm just a late-bloomer, and that this will change, but I'm scared she's just trying to make me feel better. What can I do?

Actually, this isn't that uncommon a problem in boys your age, and - Wait, wait, wait. Wait a goddamn minute here. You mean to tell me you told YOUR MOM that you've got a microscopic wang? Christ, I don't even tell my mom when I have diarrhea! I try to keep blood relatives as in the dark about the affairs of the wang as much as I possibly can. What kind of sick, Oedipus-complexed freak are you!? But anyway, I'm getting off the subject. Like I said, this is fairly normal, and she's right; you might just be a late-bloomer. Or maybe not. Maybe you're just doomed to live the life of a man with a petite pecker, knowing deep down that you're less of a man than your peers and having to go to sleep with tears in your eyes, knowing that you will never be able to satisfy a woman the way I can. Ha ha ha. You've got a tiny schlong. And you probably want to bone your mom. What a little loser dork you are. Hope that helps. Good luck.

Well, that does it for the first installment of Ask Doctor Knowledge. Keep sending those emails, or I'll have to keep making them up, like I did this time.

Got a question? Sent it to , so maybe next time, I won't have to completely make everything up! Just keep in mind that I'll be really mean and insulting, regardless of what your question is, so don't take it too hard. Or do take it too hard, because I couldn't give a crap less.