2-19-07 - Ron Rivera - LB - 59 - 1984-1992

Well, they announced today that Ron Rivera wasn't coming back as the Bears defensive coordinator next year. Sucks for him, since at one point last year. it was pretty much a certainty that he'd be a head coach somewhere by this time, and instead, he's out of a job completely. Now, don't get me wrong before I say this - I like Ron Rivera and I have ever since he was lining up back there with Mike Singletary and Jim Morrissey - but I'm honestly not too upset about him being somewhere else next year. Because let's face it, the current Chicago Bears team has one of the best collections of players on the defensive side of the ball that I've ever seen, right up there with the '85 Bears, the Philadelphia "Gang Green" defense (you know, Reggie White, Seth Joyner, Eric Allen, Jerome Brown, Clyde Simmons, and those other guys you used to murder people with on Tecmo Super Bowl), and all those crazy-ass Ravens teams. So it doesn't a super-genius to get good results with a squad like that. But the thing is, they haven't. Yeah, they've done some awesome stuff, but aside from a few here and there like the Saints game in the playoffs, it hasn't been against anyone that's been any good. The Bears should be absolutely devastating everyone they play, not just the scrub-ass NFC North teams, and they shouldn't have been giving up the thirty or whatever it was points per game they were giving up. Even with Mike Brown and Tommie Harris out, they had backups who would start on most other teams, and those guys were surrounded by Pro Bowl caliber players. Of course, part of it has to be that the "Tampa Two" defense Lovie Smith brought in is getting exposed as hell, like every other big fad coaching strategy, (West Coast Offense, Run and Shoot, 46 Defense, and so on, and so forth) but the biggest reasons the Bears went one-and-done in 2006 and got embarrassed in the Super Bowl were the lack of adjustments on defense. Who's idea was it to leave Steve Smith in single coverage for an entire game after he had already torched the Bears for like 170 yards the first time they played? And who decided to never, ever key in on the short pass against the Colts, even though it was seemingly the only thing the Colts ever did? Well, I'm pretty sure that was ol' Ron, coordinating himself out of a head coaching job two years in a row. I'm sure he'll be fine, seeing as there's like a hundred new head coaches out there, and a few probably need a defensive coordinator and all, and you know he'll be in the running for all the head coach jobs again next year, but I just don't think the guy is all he's cracked up to be, as far as running a defense is concerned.

Oh yeah, according to his Wikipedia article, he was apparently the first Puerto Rican player in NFL history, and that's pretty fucking awesome.

2-5-07 - Thomas Jones - RB - 20 - 2004 - Present

Thomas Jones is The Goddamn Man, and it really is a shame that more people don't realize to what great an extent he is The Goddamn Man. The Cardinals draft him high in the first round, but never really give him a chance to do anything, and dump him in favor of Marcel Shipp and the dried up husk of Emmitt Smith, he goes to the Buccaneers, has an awesome year playing off the bench, and they dump him off in favor of Michael Pittman. Then, the Bears sign him, and n three years, he has two 1,000 yard rushing seasons, and another with over 900 yards rushing and 400 recieving. And in that time, he's probably fumbled the ball less in three years than Rex Grossman is likely to fumble in one game. And last night, he was one of maybe five guys on the Chicago end of the field who played like they realized that there wouldn't be another game after that one. But the dude just cannot get any respect. After a year of being just about the only player they had on offense, they immediately went out and spent a ridiculously high draft pick on Curtis Enis Cedric Benson, after a year where he ran for more yards than any Bear not named Walter Payton, they immediately named Benson the starter, and after another 1,000 yard season, there's talk that he could be traded away, so that Benson can again be given a chance to fail to justify his enormous salary. You know, I love the Bears, and Thomas Jones is awesome and all, but if they do end up getting rid of him, I would almost have to hope that he puts up like 150 whenever his new team played the Bears, just to show them how stupid they were. I hope all the talk I've heard is just rumor-mill crap, and they'll keep him for as long as he'll stay with them, but getting rid of Thomas Jones will be right up there with the Rick Mirer trade and basically every QB move they've ever made in terms of stupidity. The Bears are already hurting for a real quarterback, and if they destroy their running back situation, they might as well write off the next few years as a loss already. Seriously, though. Thomas Jones is The Goddamn Man.

2-5-07 - Muhsin Muhammad - WR - 87 - 2005-Present

Well, the Bears were who we thought they were, and it's time for the wait until their next Super Bowl appearance, which after some simple math, should happen around the time I'm 47 years old. And yeah, it sucks. It sucks bad. After only managing to even come close a few times, then blowing it in extremely boring fashion when you finally make it, as a fan, it blows. And it sucks for the players even more. But think how much it sucks for this guy. In case you forgot, he also made it a few years ago with the Panthers, and while the results weren't as embarrassing for his team, he came up on the short end of the stick that time, too. Think about that. Most players will never make it to a Super Bowl, and when they get to one, chances are pretty good that they'll never be back there again. Dan Marino never it back, neither did Ron Jaworski or Junior Seau, and for all we know, Donovan McNabb, Steve McNair, and Shaun Alexander may never make it back themselves. And sure, John Elway finally got back to the big game and won a couple, but the Karl Mecklenbergs, Bobby Humphreys, and Vance Johnsons of the world didn't make it back there with him. So it's got to sting that much more when you make it back with a new team and fall short again. Not that I'm putting Moose in the same league as Marino or Elway, but the dude's been good enough for long enough (For the record, he was a dropped-ball machine in '05, but he recovered and pretty much ruled this year) to deserve a little hand-jewelry for his troubles. It all kind of makes me wish he was fatter and goofier, so there would be a "man, we have to win one for this guy" campaign, like there was for Jerome Bettis a year ago. Because there's always next year, but when a guy gets called "Big Daddy" by Bernard Berrian for being so damn old, you have to wonder how many next years there are left for him. Still, though, the NFC is a conference where 10-6 can get you a first-round bye, so next year might come really fast this time. Let's hope so, at least.

1-20-07 - Rex Grossman - QB - 8 - 2003-Present

Man, this guy. I was cautiously optimistic about the hot new rookie QB in town, optimisitc because nothing could be any worse than the Kordell Stewart abortion, and cautious because nothing could be worse than the Cade McNown abortion. He didn't do a whole lot in his rookie year, only playing in three games, but he did okay with what little playing time he got, sO I was less cautious and more optimistic when new head coach Lovie Smith officially named him the starter in 2004. Then, he got hurt and missed most of the year, leading to the Quinn/Krenzel/Hutchinson debacle. Then, he got hurt again and missed most of the next year, leading to the Orton debacle in 2005. And the thing was, the few times he did get to play, despite the announcers always seeming to gush over how much of a "swagger" he gave the Bears' offense, the dude sucked. He barely completed half his passes, threw more INTs than TDs, and when 2006 rolled around, I figured that he'd prove to be yet another in a long line of 70-ish QB rating guys that clearly fall into the "winning in spite of him" category, like a Jim Harbaugh or a Steve Walsh. Little did I expect the bizarre roller coaster ride this season has been. After a preseason that was so horrible that no one could explain how Brian Griese hadn't been named the starter, he proceeded to go the hell off and after a few weeks, there was talk of Rex being named NFL MVP after leading the Bears to an undefeated season in which he would cure cancer and make the orchards fruitful by his hand. Then, he turned back into the old INT-throwing, fumble-fingered Rex we knew and didn't really love. And then, he turned back into MVP Rex. And then, he turned back into Retard Rex. And then, he turned back into MVP Rex. And then, he turned back into - You get the idea. Having Rex Grossman as your favorite team's starting quarterback is no good at all for your cardiovascular health, because you never know who'll show up from week to week. One week, his fifth touchdown pass of the day will be thrown into quadruple coverage, but will be so perfect and so diabolically uncatchable by anyone but a Chicago reciever that you'd think God Himself had thown the ball. A week later, shortly following his third interception of the game, he'd accidentally punch himself in the balls while trying to recover his fourth fumble. On one hand, he's a guy who won an Offensive Player of the Month award and led his team to a 13-3 record. On the other hand, he was responsible for 25 turnovers and actually had a game where he completed more passes to the Green Bay defense than to the Chicago offense. He single-handedly destroyed San Francisco and single-handedly lost a close game against the Patriots. Rex giveth with one hand and taketh away with the other. It's a conundrum, really. Just please, please, pleeeeaaase let Retarded Rex stay home and let MVP Rex play the Saints Sunday.