Web Surf Nicaragua's Definitive Guide to
Stereotypical Heavy Metal Fans
(Inspired by Mulletsgalore.com )

1. Metal Warrior

He may not have a job or a girlfriend, but he's got Metal, and you can't take that from him		 A very rare species, characterized by its fabulous mullet, and random, repeated cries of "hail and kill" at various points throughout the day. The species believes that Metal (capitalized, of course) is a religion, and that all non-metal fans are "False," and therefore unworthy of respect. Anything not metal is viewed as crap, including metal that doesn't fit into the True Metal Fan's personal preferences. They have dedicated their lives to Metal, to the point of forsaking such other aspects of life as employment, personal hygene, and any romantic life whatsoever. Outcasts of society, they roam the countryside in search of rare power Metal compact discs and LPs.

Favorite Bands: Manowar, Hammerfall, Gamma Ray, Manowar, Sacred Steel, Ragnarok, Manowar, Iced Earth, Manowar, Manowar, and Manowar.
Hobbies: Being true, listening to True Metal, battling the armies of the False.
Sightings: Living in their parents' garage.
2. Metal Slut

This guy's not actually in Biohazard, but fortunately for him, these two don't know that. 		A very popular species among heavy metal musicians, the Metal Slut's entire life revolves around the pursuit of sexual encounters with members of heavy metal bands, regardless of fame, musical ability, age, or even if the Metal Slut knows who they are. Every Metal Slut prides themselves on the possibility that their second son "may or may not belong to Ace Frehley."

Favorite Bands: Kiss, Pantera, Motley Crue, Warrant, Slaughter, Poison.
Hobbies: Oral sex, handjobs, swallowing.
Sightings: Hanging around backstage during the shows of washed up glam bands, in the backs of tour buses, on their knees in restrooms, in line at the local V.D. clinic.
3. Korn Kid

He's not really throwing gang signs. Those are really Down Syndrome hand spasms. But at least his dad is cool with him digging Korn. 		Although not technically a metal fan, they often travel mistakenly in the same circles as fans of heavy metal.The Korn Kid attracts a mate with its amazingly large pants, some of which could actually hold 3 or more Korn Kids. The Korn Kid's natural habitat is the mall, where they travel in packs of three or more, due to their small size and low intelligence. The males and females are quite different, with females normally taking on a sullen, forlorn "mall goth" persona, dressing in black and trying to look dpressed, whereas males assume the identity of suburban white rappers. The Korn Kid listens almost exclusively to Korn and other mall metal bands, especially those who try as hard as they can to sound like Korn. There is also a variation on the Korn Kid, the "Korn Kid in Denial" who only listens to Slipknot and Coal Chamber in the hopes that their mall friends don't realize that they're pretty much the same band.

Favorite Bands: Korn, Korn Chamber, Kornd, Slipkorn, Cradle of Filth
Hobbies: Moping, doing ecstacy, misspelling words on purpose, misspelling words from lack of spelling ability.
Sightings: Various places in the mall, screaming outside the MTV studios during TRL, Sitting at the back of a 7th grade classroom trying to look depressed.
4. True Black Metal Fan

TRUE HEATHEN GODS OF YARDWORK \m/ 		A close cousin of the True Metal Fan, but a bit more extreme in nature. The True BM Fan is easily identified by his corpsepaint, leather clothing, bullet belts, and proficiency of finding newer and more creative places to apply spikes to a garment. The "True" BM Fan really doesn't care about music, so much as he does appearances. The BM Fan must never admit to enjoying a band with record sales above 3,000, or whose production value exceeds that of a demo recorded on a "My First Sony" tape recorder. The BM fan must do everything in his power to retain the image of "Trueness," or he will be labeled "False" and banished from the herd.

Favorite Bands: Whichever black metal bands are the least popular at the time.
Hobbies: Skillfully applying corpsepaint, calling bands sellouts
Sightings: Dark forests, graveyards, the cold Arctic North, anywhere in Norway.
5. Glam Rocker

This fat, dirty guy, Ricky Rachtman, and this gay guy: Lords of glam.		 A very rare sight, this species became almost extinct in the early 1990s, as grunge replaced hair bands in rock's top spot. The Glam Rocker is closely related to the Metal Slut, often to the point where there is debate over whether the two species are actually the same. Can be easily identified by their colorful plumage, which may include teased (or gelled, in cases of glam fans who cut their hair) hair, skin-tight pants, cowboy hats, tattoos, shiny fabrics, and shirts unbuttoned at least 4 buttons. Most glam rockers hide their identity, to avoid being mocked by mall-metal kids and beat up by aging thrash fans, but in some places, like Las Vegas and Los angeles, the glam rocker is embraced by society and shows its colors proudly.

Favorite Bands: Poison, Winger, Warrant, Kiss, Britny Fox, Motley Crue
Hobbies: Squeezing into ultra-tight pants, doing coke.
Sightings: Meth labs, clubs usually mistaken for gay bars, hanging out on the strip.
6. Metallica Fans


Moments later, James Hetfield's bodyguards hauled her away, and he left to wash his hands.

 In light of recent events, this species has become nearly extinct, and what few still remain are ashamed to admit what they are. This fan comes in varied forms, all sharing the common bond of being Metallica Fans.

A. Wuss-Rocker Metallica Fan - This fan always thought that Duran Duran, Oasis, and Bush are "sooo cool," and went into a deep depression upon learning of the breakup of O-Town. When Metallica's sound went soft, this species became overjoyed, running right out and spending $40 on a T-shirt.

Favorite Bands: Metallica, Backstreet Boys, Korn, Nirvana, Greatful Dead, Dixie Chicks.
Hobbies: Shopping, watching MTV.
Sightings: The Gap, Wal Mart, Hot Topic

B. Out of Touch 80's Metallica Fan - This species has been listening to Metallica since the "old days," and spent much of the 1980s delighting in how people thought their Metallica shirts with ripped-off sleeves made them look "dangerous," and used Metallica as a way to earn respect and get chicks. Unfortunately, when Metallica wussed out, this fan refused to believe it, and still thinks that Metallica are the kings of heavy metal, and blindly follows, not even caring what the music sounds like. This species is characterized by a mullet haircut, a thin "child molestor" moustache, and saying things like "Metallica will always be the best, no matter what they do! If you think Metallica sucks, you suck! Metal up your ass!!" Unfortunately, with the commercialization of the band, this species has great difficulty using the band's image to find a mate, though Metal Sluts are sometimes willing.

Favorite Bands: "Fuckin' Metallica!!!! Yeeeaahhh"
Hobbies: Paying too much for band merchandise, hanging out in parking lots, drinking.
Sightings: Metallica shows, parking lots, pawn shops, blood banks.

C. Ashamed Metallica Fan - This species enjoys the music of Metallica, but is not blind to recent events, and will rarely admit to liking Metallica. Very elusive, they can assume any form, and are indeed a rare sight. Due to their secrecy, virtually nothing is known about this species.
6. Tough Guy Harcore Fan

You should have seen him AFTER they kicked his ass. 		The tough guy hardcore fan is an interesting creature, who resides mainly in affluent suburban areas, but will not hesitate to regale its victims with tales of how hard it is to grow up on the mean streets. When cornered, the Tough Guy Hardcore Fan will put on a stunning display of rapper-like hand-gestures and creative use of the word "bitch," which has often been described as "hella-goofy" by some anthropologists.

Favorite Bands: Earth Crisis, Madball, Skarhead, any other band that's ever been on Victory Records (except for Baby Gopal), Pantera
Hobbies: Acting tough, talking about unity, acting tough, speaking Ebonics, posing, acting tough.
Sightings: Starting shit, talking about their friends behind their backs, being united.
7. Stereotypical Goth

Hey guys, she's available! And she has lots of Anime on DVD, too!

In most cases, the stereotypical goth is overcompensating for being a tremendous nerd in high school. A typically docile species, but becomes dangerously depressed without any warning, and in most cases without any real reason. They can be spotted by their frighteningly pale complexion, poor choices in makeup color, and bizarre home made clothing that makes everyone beside other goths go, "um... Ooookay."

WARNING: If you encounter one, do not tell them that vampires are not real, that Trent Reznor is not a genius, or anything else that might tear down their elaborate fantasy world, or they may be thrown so deep into despair that they'll attempt suicide more often than they usually do.

Favorite Bands: Bauhaus, Nine Inch Nails, Cradle of Filth, Acid Bath
Hobbies: Writing poetry, crying, self-delusion, committing suicide.
Sightings: Starbucks, anywhere coffee and Twinkies are sold.
8. Metalcorus Hottopicus

"Oh, some animal died."

A recently discovered species, the Metalcorus Hottopicus, or "goddamn emo fag" as some have dubbed them, has thrived as of late. as metalcore bands have burst onto the mainstream. The emo fag is a curious hybrid, mixing the characteristics of of goths, punks, and emo kids, while somehow stumbling into the heavy metal scene. They can be easily identified by their annoyingly bad haircuts and metrosexual-inspired style of dress, which usually involves a lip ring, makeup, incredibly tight pants held up by a white belt, and the t-shirt of an older band they've never listened to, worn in an attempt to be "ironic." While their numbers have exploded in recent years, experts believe they may become extinct sooner than later, given the cyclic nature of the popularity and availability of uninspired bullshit music. A prime example of this is that most of today's metalcore fans were actually Korn Kids as recently as 2003.

Favorite Bands: Avenged Sevenfold, Shadows Fall, Sworn Enemy, God Forbid, Black Dahlia Murder, a whole bunch of other bands I can't tell apart.
Hobbies: Updating their Myspace profiles, trying to look as gay as possible.
Sightings: Hot Topic, other places in the mall.