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August 24, 2005

While looking through a box of random crap I have in my closet, I came across a few old issues of Game Player's Strategy Guide to Nintendo Games from around 1990. Combined with my scanner and butter knife-sharp wit, here are the whacky results:

Oh man. This is it. Look at the intensity in their eyes. The ultimate showdown has begun. The ultimate showdown to see who can win one of the shittiest games ever made with two of the shittiest controllers ever made. Seriously, when I was a kid, we had a set of Double Player controllers, and much like pretty much everything else Acclaim put out, they were absolutely worthless. To get the things to work, you had to pretty much hold the controller over your head at some weird angle that pointed down at the receiver, and they took four triple-A batteries, which would run out of juice after maybe thirteen seconds of game play. Then, on top of all that, the glue holding the decorative blue part of the controller down would eventually wear off, leaving you with a blank black controller covered in label gunk which would eventually be a sticky mess of cracker crumbs and cat hair. Get the edge! THE HEAD TO HEAD WIRELESS winning edge!

Here, we see Generic Wrestler A lift Generic Masked Wrestler B over his head, in a triumphant pose that tells the reader, "Oh, god, I've lifted this guy in such a way that all is weight on the top of my head, and I think my neck is breaking." Seriously, who the hell picks someone up like that? And who tucks their kneepads into their boots? Also, it appears that the guy in the mask is holding up his hands in horror of the giant "CRUSH EM" text that's about to fall on him.
But on a nerdy side note, the only reason I put this here is because Hal Wrestling was the first and only appearance of the Fire Pro Wrestling series in the United States until 2001, when Fire Pro Wrestling came out for the Gameboy Advance. Right on.

Speaking of wrestling, (which appears in four of the five ads I scanned, oddly enough) here's the Ultimate Warrior pimping WWF Superstars. And if you've ever played that game, calling it "The Ultimate Game Boy Game" doesn't speak very highly for the Nintendo Game Boy. Also of note is that the Warrior has his kick-ass Warrior Earring in the left ear, because if there's anything the Ultimate Warrior ever taught us, it's that queering don't make the world work. Oh yeah, nice mullet.

Wow. Here's an ad that shows you how far video games have come since the late 80s / early 90s. Imagine if some of these things were ad-worthy highlights for games now: CONTINUE OPTION~! TWELVE TEAMS~! 34 DIFFERENT KILLER MOVES~! SINGLE PLAYER ACTION~! 4 POWER UP ITEMS~! SIX SPECIAL WEAPONS~! ANIMATED ANNOUNCER~! Imagine the world before these games came out, when announcers went unanimated, ninjas were cursed with three power ups items or less, and the NFL had a mere eleven teams. The funny part about all of this is that all five of these were really good games, with Tecmo Bowl and the Ninja Gaiden games being considered classics. Now, think about the way games now have hundreds of power ups, 32 NFL teams, and announcers who actually talk, and most of them still manage to really suck. Games ain't what they used to be.

Speaking of Ultimate Warriors, holy shit. Remembering this ad is the reason I hunted down the magazines that this article came from. There are no words for how awesome this is, so I'll just transcribe the text:

YOUR BEST GAME IS BETTER WHEN YOU'RE WARRIORIZED.
The Turbo Warrior tape unlocks your powers. Builds confidence. Gives you control of your game.

What is Turbo Warrior?
A combination of music, specially written for game players, plus messages to you that can improve your performance.

How does it work?
Plug in your favorite game, turn down the sound, put the tape in your cassette player, and GO! As you play, you hear positive subliminal messages along with music on your Turbo Warrior tape. When your violent reactions are replaced with cool, calm confidence, you play better. Play longer when you're Warriorized.

Will it work with my system?
Yes. It works with any game system, because it works on YOU. Play videogames the Trubo Warrior way and gain a new mindset. A winner's mindset, as you turbocharge your mind for videogame success.

How can I get Warriorized?
Call us at (817) 735 4525 for fastest service on your Visa or MasterCard order. Cost is $19.95 plus $4.89 postage and handling. Kids have your parents call or get the permission before you call and charge your order. Returns subject to a 50% restocking fee.

Powerhouse Industries, P.O. Box 101212, Ft. Worth TX 76185

Parents: This tape give positive messages that build confidence and reduce violence. For product info & the Turbo Warrior script, send a self-addressed stamped envelope plus $1.

If anyone has a copy of this tape, the script they sent to the concerned parents or any information on the current status of Powerhouse Industries, please send and email, (it's on the main page at the bottom) because I MUST have this. Holy shit. Listening to "We Rock" by Dio on an endless loop has supercharged my video game abilities as it is, but if I got Warriorized, I'd be unstoppable.