CHICAGO BEARS 2004 WEEK 12 YEAR-IN-REVIEW (11-30-04)

Hoo boy. Things sure haven't gone as planned. As it stands, the Bears have a record of 4-7, have have three starters on injured reserve, are on their fourth quarterback, and show no signs of getting any better any time soon. Let's have a painful look at what's gone wrong:

Quarterbacks: Yup. This went wrong. Quarterbacks, just in general, have been wrong. Fucking wrong. Oh god. First, Rex Grossman sucks. Then, he tears shit in his knee and goes out for the year. Enter Jonathan Quinn (Who I incorrectly identified as Jamie Martin in the first season preview, mixing him up with that other guy who did okay for like two games backing up Mark Brunell) and Craig Krenzel, who would go on to duel for the Kordell Stewart Lifetime Achievement Award as worst Bears QB, ever. Now, it's Chad Hutchinson's turn, and to the best of my knowledge, he still doesn't know the freaking plays. And soon to enter the fray is Jeff George, a guy who hasn't played pro ball since 2001. Still, though, barring a miraculous emergence of Hutchinson as a Kurt Warner / Tom Brady as the out-of-nowhere superstar, George looks like the best option. Sure, he's been basically like an NFL STD, passed around from team to team like a cheap whore, but at least he knows to throw the ball to guys on his own team, rather than toward defenders or at the ground. And maybe since no one's wanted him for three years and it's been made clear that this is just an audition for a backup job next year, the ego problems that got him booted out of everywhere else he's ever played will be gone. But problably not. We are doomed. DOOMED! I wonder what other unemploiyed quarterbacks are out there that the Bears can snap up if these two don't work out. Maybe Sean Salisbury is sick of being a TV analyst. Or maybe we can hunt down Perry Klein. He used to do flips and crap after scoring. That was cool.

Running Backs: Hey, bright spot. Thomas Jones has emerged as a star, having a handful of hundred yard games and leading the NFC in rushing at one point. And when he went down with an injury, (a common theme for the '04 Bears) Anthony Thomas played like Anthony Thomas, which means he would start for almost any other team. Buuuuuut, with the quarterback debacle making the passing game literally nonexistent, defenses can stack like fifteen guys on the line, and the running game has been deader than, uhhh... Fuck, this has me so upset, I can't think of a witty comparison. It's been dead, alright? Fucking dead. What do you fuckos want from me? But yeah. Anyway, Bryan Johnson has played real nice at fullback, too. Whatever.

Wide Recievers: WHAT DOES IT MATTER!? THERE'S NO FUCKING QUARTERBACK! BLARRRGHSDL/KJZDNMN.SJHSRGE ASS.

Tight Ends: GNARFGHHS.DF/LKSDFKJZDNLLKJZDFV DITTO.

Offensive Line: Yeah, "offensive" is right! HAW HAW HAW! But seriously. This was supposed to be like the dream offensive line this year. You know, the whole "four potential Pro Bowlers" thing. Well, Olin Kreutz has been good, but that's no surprise. I mean, god damn, he's Olin Friggin' Kreutz. As in Jay Hilgenberg 2K4. So center isn't a problem. At guard, fuirst, you got your Ruben Brown. He's good. Real good. But oh yeah, HE'S OUT FOR THE FUCKING YEAR. Stupid neckbones. Who needs 'em, I say. Meanwhike, after making his triumphant return from all those injuries, Rex Tucker has sucked fat sacks of ass, and is pretty close to losing his starting job. Behind him are Steve Edwards, Mike Gandy, and probably someone else, with none of them being too special. At tackle, big-time free agent pickup John Tait has been an absolute bust, with his patented look-out blocking technique (If you've never been around people bitching about offensive linemen, that means that his method of blocking is to not block at all and then yell, "look out!") that's made dirt the primary food item in Craig Krenzel's diet. And of course, he's out with an injury right now. On the other side is Qasim Mitchell, and he's been adequate, kinda-sorta. Or not, who knows. Bears games don't get shown on TV anymore, so I'm making most of this up as I go along. For all I know, the guy might be dead. On a high note, Mark Colombo finally came back after missing like two years with shitty knees, won a game by blocking a field goal, and hasn't been doing too bad out there. Good job, guy.

Defensive Line: Hey, another bright spot! Tommie Harris said something about them hacing the best D-line in football right now, and no one called him a dumbass for it, so I guess some people agree. At tackle, Harris has been the same manner of beast he was in college, and totally dominated in their last game, before - you guessed it - going down with an injury. He should be back soon, though. On the other side, tackle-by-committee, featuring Alfonso Boone, (the official starter - And he's missed a few games, too) Tank Johnson, and Ian Scott has done just fine. At defensive end, backup Michael Haynes has been surprisingly competent, while the guy they traded Marty Booker for, Adewale Ogunleye, has been turning back into a badass after a slow start marred by (of course) a couple games missed with an injury. And out of nowhere, Alex Brown has turned into the master of Ultra Mega Mass Quarterback Homicide, getting four sacks in one game, and seemingly finishing every play with a paw on one of the little guys. Hell, probably half the interceptions the team has gotten can be traced to Alex Brown getting in someone's face. Stats fucking lie. He's only gotten like six sacks, but if he had a sack for every time he's hit, hurried, pressured, etc. a QB, he'd probably be on a Wheaties box by now. Dude's a monster.

Linebackers: This was supposed to be the year where Lance Briggs emerged as the total badass, made the Pro Bowl, and stole your girlfriend, but while he is leading the team in tackles, he hasn't done much else. Still, there's been talk of him being a dark horse candidate for a spot on the NFC all-star team. But like a really, really dark horse candidate. Like you'd be in a room with just the TV on, and you'd think you were alone, and when you turned on the light, you'd be all like, "holy crap, a horse!" Like the horse would be that dark. Brian Urlacher has been having one of the best years of his career, which is really saying something, but - tell me you didn't see this coming - he's missed two games with hamstring problems and is in the process of missing 4-6 games after some dickweed kicked him in the leg and made it swell up like he had a honey-baked ham instead of a calf. Needless to say, there's been two straight losses since the most recent time he went down. Crap. Hunter Hillenmeyer had impressed people so much when he filled in for Urlacher earlier in the year that they gave him a starting job as the other outside linebacker. Now, he's back inside, what with injuries and all, and he's done okay, I guess. This means Joe Odom comes back in, and I have no real opinion of him, since I always forget he exists. Edgerrin James ran for 200 a week ago, so needless to say, Odom, Hillenmeyer, and Briggs put together do not equal one healthy Urlacher.

Defensive backs: Well, my guarantee of a Charles Tillman Pro Bowl got shot to shit when he went down with a knee injury and missed like nine games. They're in the process of easing him back into the starting lineup, but it's probably too little, too late at this point. R.W. McQuarters has made some big plays, but he's made an equal number of dead-on impressions of Bears non-legend Jeremy "Toast" Lincoln, that pretty much cancel out the good he's done. Also, he fucking fumbled after an interception last week. That's no good, man. Nathan Vasher has been pretty damn good, though, and there's even been Defensive Rookie of the Year talk going on for him. Nice. And after missing a bunch of games (this is getting to be like a bad joke) with a bad neck, Jerry Azumah has been turning into a pretty good cover man, in addition to his usual kick returning goodness. Still though, Vasher, Azumah, and McQuarters can't make up for an injured Tillman, who's best known as being one of the only guys in the NFL who immedaitely makes half of the field no longer an option in the passing game. When Tillman gets up to speed, a lot of the Bears' bleeding on defense will slow down,. but like I said, it's probably too late to matter. At safety, Mike Brown is one of the very best at free safety. AND HE'S OUT FOR THE FUCKING YEAR AAEFLKJAHEF.KJHGAS.KJGA.KHG.JKAHGF. His replacement, Todd Johnson, sure has a lot of tackles, but that's because the god damned running backs always make it into the seconday and the wide recievers always catch the fucking ball. Mike Green has played pretty nicely, as usual, and his backup, Bobby Gray, is his usual would-start-on-any-other-team self, when he's not fucking INJURED. Argh. Anyway, there's some good players here, but no Brown plus no Tillman equals no pass defense, and this has killed the Bears.

Special Teams: Paul Edinger has had an off-year, but an off-year for him just makes him an average kicker, rather than a bad one. Meanwhile, people have talked about giving punter Brad Maynard the team MVP award. And when the punter could be your most valuable player, that gives you a pretty good indication of how the year's been going. Anyway, in the return game, Jerry Azumah and R.W. McQuarters are badasses, and I suppose Bernard Berrian is okay, too. Not too shabby.

OVERALL: This year, the Chicago Bears have nothing nothing but make Baby Jesus cry. I hate the world.

Predicted 2004 Record: 5-11

When does the hurting stop?