COACHING STAFF:
The Dick Jauron era is over, with Rams defensive coordinator Lovie Smith taking
over as head coach. Whatever. The big news here is that the fucking retarded
offensive coordinator known as John
Shoop is gone, too. And gone with him is the vaunted "Three and Out"
offense, which could basically be described as what the West Coast Offense would
be if the West Coast Offense got kicked in the head by a mule and fell out of
a moving turnip truck in the process. Gone are the days of the two-yard wide
reciever screen on third-and-sixteen and the tricky "fake the handoff to
draw the defense to one side, then run to the side you just faked the handoff
to" play. Also, when it appears that the running game is working, there
won't be a switch to nothing but pass plays. In Shoop's place, we have former
Kansas City quarterbacks coach Terry Shea, who will try to put in the kind of
West Coast-ish offense that's made the Chiefs and Rams so damn scary in the
last few years. It's too soon to say whether or not it'll work, but after Shoop,
putting the offense in the room with a drunken chimp holding a revolver would
have ended up being an improvement. Geting rid of Shoop is the best thing the
Bears have done since the Superbowl Shuffle.
QUARTERBACKS:
This is one of those few question marks that could make or break the team, and
honestly, it's looking likely to break them at this point. Rex Grossman still
hasn't played enough for anyone to really be able to tell whether he's the next
Great Superstar kinda guy, or if he's another Chicago Bears first round pick
quarterback who wears the number 8 and won't be in the league in a few years.
(Remember Cade McNown? That's right, you don't.) All I know is that he sucked
a big washtub full of dicks this preseason, and so did his backups, Jamie Martin
and Craig Krenzel. Martin is the guy who people barely remember for filling
in admirably for Mark Brunell a while back for the Jaguars, and Krenzel is the
rookie from Ohio State who fills the role of college QB who was good and wons
lots of games, but will probably be out of the NFL in a couple years. Things
aren't looking good here. If Grossman can't deliver, the Bears are screwed.
If Grossman gets injured, the Bears are super awfully shity-shitty screwed.
I'm just glad Kordell Stewart is out of there.
RUNNING BACKS:
Anthony Thomas has had the most productive first three years of any Bears running
back other than Walter Payton and Gale Sayers. He's had two 1,000-yard seasons
and was the NFL Offensive Rookie of the Year in 2001. And he's the friggin'
backup. Needless to say, halfback is a position the Bears have little to
worry about. Thomas Jones gets the starting nod this year after a fairly ass-kicking
preseason, and he looks ready to be one of the breakout stars of 2004. And if
I'm wrong and he sucks, there's still the goddamn A-Train behind him. Damn,
that's nice. Adrian Peterson is the third-stringer, and he's best known for
beating out Brock Forsey for the job, despite not being as good a football player.
Well, two out of three ain't bad. At fullback, there's Bryan Johnson, who was
a Redskin last year, with four-year totals of five rushing yards and 33 receptions.
Needless to say, he's more of a blocker than a threat out of the backfield.
The backup is Jason McKie, with seven yards of total offense, after touching
the ball one time in two years. I suppose the fullback doesn't figure too much
into the new offensive system. Well, I hope the fullback doesn't figure
in too much, or the Bears are in serious trouble. Maybe Brad Muster or Matt
Suhey can get in playing shape by Sunday. Crap.
WIDE
RECIEVERS: What a difference a few years can make. First, Marcus Robinson
emerges as a super-duperstar. Then, he gets injured and Marty Booker becomes
the goddamn man. Now, they're both on other teams. Also, Dez White is a Falcon
now. Fuck. This means your top wide reciever is first round draft pick bust
David Terrell. In three years, he's managed to put together one fairly decent
season. The bad part is that the decent season is the total of all three years
put together. And the whole time, he's been pulling ego-trips that would bring
a tear to the eyes of Terrell Owens and Andre Rison, if either one of them had
a soul. Still though, Bears recievers have had a habit of coming out of nowhere
and being awesome for the last few years, and this could finally be his year.
I kinda doubt it, but we'll see. Across the field from him, there's Bobby Wade,
a rookie a year ago, and even though he's only caught twelve passes, he's the
guy everyone's expecting to be the next big thing here. In conclusion, good
god, trading Marty Booker was dumb. But anyway, if Wade or (more than likely)
Terrell can't get the job done, there's actually some solid backups here. Jamin
Elliot isn't terrible, Bernard Berrian was the ace in college and a lot of people
are high on him, and Justin Gage probably would be the starter over Terrell
if he hadn't missed the entire preseason. But anyway, yeah, trading Marty Booker
was fucking dumb. Wide reciever isn't going to unbearably bad or anything, but
definitely goes down in the "weaknesses" column.
TIGHT ENDS:
At tight end, you've got Desmond Clark, Dustin Lyman, and John Gilmore. There
are no superstars here, but none of them suck, either. When he's not hurt, Clark
is pretty solid, good for 40-50 catches, and with the new Kansas City/St. Louis
styled offense, he could get more than that. I'm not freaking out over how stupendously
awesome the tight ends are, but I got no worries.
OFFENSIVE LINE:
For a while there, this looked like it was going to be one of those unreal kind
of lines, like the Bears had in the late 80s/early nineties, but when Rex Tucker
had his yearly major injury, it dropped it down to just a really good
line. In the off-season, they picked up a nine-time Pro Bowler in guard Ruben
Brown, and a guy everyone expects to start making Pro Bowls real soon in tackle
John Tait. Add that to Olin Kreutz, who's become the new Jay Hilgenberg, in
that he's the guy you just automatically assume will be named to the All-Pro
team without ever watching him play, and you've got a damn good group of three
offensive linemen. After that, though, it gets kinda iffy. Aside from Tait at
tackle, there's Qasim Mitchell and Aaron Gibson, and neither guy is all that
spectacular. Aaron Gibson is fantastically fat, though, so I'm a fan of his.
Mitchell will start, and he's one of those guys who's either going to suck or
break out and become a star, judging by the way coach types talk about him.
Then, there's always the outside chance of Marc Colombo actually suiting up
for a regular season NFL game someday, but I get the feeling his knees have
other plans. Poor guy. Shouldn't have too much trouble there, though. At the
other guard position, Rex Tucker is the goddamn man, but he's played like 5
games in the last 18 years, or some shit like that. The man is as brittle as
freaking glass. Chris Chandler makes fun of him for how often he gets hurt.
Crap. Until he comes back from the latest injury, it'll be Mike Gandy, who's
really not all that bad. Right on. Anyway, if Tucker can come back healthy,
the Bears' O-line will fucking devastate. Hell, it probably will already. This
might be their strongest position.
DEFENSIVE
LINE: This will make or break the 2004 Chicago Bears, defensive tackles
in particular. In recent years, they've basically served as kind of an offensive
line for Brian Urlacher. When those two big, fat, mechanical behemoths known
as Ted Washington and Keith Traylor were up front, those big fat fuckin' slops
of fuck would devour anywhere from three to four offensive linemen, keeping
the other team off of Urlacher, enabling him to go all over the field, dominate
games, and get on the cover of Sega football games. It took a nation of millions
to hold them back, and it freed up the rest of the defense. But after injuries
and free agency got rid of those two, things went to hell. Bryan Robinson and
Alfonso Boone weren't chopped liver or anything, but they weren't going to make
a running back shit his pants, and they sure as hell won't swallow up multiple
blockers with their fabulous girth. And Robinson inexplicably got cut at the
end of the preseason, despite being the better of the two, so that's where this
years top draft picks come in. Lovie Smith had the idea that he would get some
quick-ass, smaller guys in there who would eat up double teams, not because
of how fat they were, but because of how desperate the offense was to keep them
out of their backfield. The idea worked for Tampa Bay, with Warren Sapp and
That Other Guy. So the progression of Tommie Harris and Tank Johnson will have
a lot to do with how good the Bears are this year. From living in Norman, Oklahoma,
I know that Harris is a freaking monster. His stats weren't all that hot, but
that's because he was drawing triple-team blocks half the time. If he can do
that for the Bears, that means another 200-tackle season for Urlacher, and probably
another 3 or 4 wins. I dn't know much about Tank Johnson, but his name is fucking
TANK, so what else do you need to know? They don't name a guy "Tank"
if he doesn't fuck up people's lives. He cut off his dreadlocks, though, so
that may sap him of his Biblical Strength. At defensive end, Adewale Ogunleye
sounds nice, but I kinda wonder if his big numbers in Miami were mainly from
the line focusing on Jason Taylor on the other side. Also, I still have no idea
how to pronounce his name. Is it Oh-GUN-le-yay, or OH-gun-LAY-ya, or something
else entirely? Still, kinda hard to go wrong with a guy who almost had as many
sacks last year as the entire Chicago Bears team did last year. Crap. At the
other end position, Alex Brown ain't bad, but he needs to regain his college
pass-rushing ability somehow, because DE isn't a position where you want a guy
who's just a run-stopper. Behind those two, you have Israel Idonije, and I can't
pronounce his name either, so fuck him, and Michael Haynes, a Bears first round
draft pick bust in the sterling tradition of Al Harris, Rashaan Salaam, Stan
Thomas, Curtis Enis, Cade McNown, probably Marc Colombo, and especially John
Thierry. He was so awful that they traded away their best wide reciever out
of the fear that he might have to get playing time. Wow. Idonijje is supposedly
an up-and-coming kinda guy, but still, if any defensive ends get injured, we
are fucked.
LINEBACKERS:
We all know Brian Urlacher and what he's capable of. The dude is a machine.
But offenses know this two, and if the defensive line sucks as much as it used
to, you can erase him from games, just like they were doing to him last year.
But with new guys like Ogunleye and Harris, expect a return to form in 2004.
On the outside, there's Lance Briggs and Joe Odom. Briggs was the big star-of-the-future
from last year, and this year shouldn't be too different. Remember, if the other
team has to worry about blocking the defensive linemen, Urlacher isn't the only
linebacker who benefits. On the other side, there's Joe Odom. He was a rookie
last year and didn't do too much. Basically, the Bears are really, really going
to miss Warrick Holdman this year. The backups here are Leon Joe, Hunter Hillenmeyer,
and Marcus Reese, and they're all a pretty big dropoff from the starters. If
there aren't an injuries here, everything will be okay, but if there are, things
are going to get really ugly.
DEFENSIVE
BACKS: This is one of those areas on the field that the Bears are stacked
at. At corner, losing Jerry Azumah presumable for the entire season is going
to hurt, but R.W. McQuarters, Todd McMillon, and Nathan Vasher all seem to be
guys who can step in and start for an NFL team and not suck. Meanwhile, the
other corner spot is in no trouble at all, because Charles Tillman is well on
his way to becoming one of the best in the league. You heard it here first:
Charles Tillman, member 2005 NFC Pro Bowl team. I'm kind of hoping McQuarters
can get uninjured and play on the other side, because then, the Bears would
have the Super Dreadlock Interception Squad. Oh, hell yeah, that would rule.
At free safety, you've got Mike Brown, who quite clearly owns your soul, and
will stop at nothing to keep it. He's filled the old Mark Carrier "My stats
suck, because no quarterback will dare throw anywhere around me" role nicely.
At strong safety, I'm not even sure who'll start, but it's pretty nice either
way. Mark Green was pretty damn good, and when he went down last year, Bobby
Gray stepped in and became pretty damn better. I got no worries in the defensive
backfield.
SPECIAL TEAMS:
Paul Edinger is a badass kicker. Also, he has that weird, twisted up stance,
so he's a badass kicker in a weird, abstract sort of way. Brad Maynard is also
a badass punter. Overall, the Bears couldn't do much better when it comes to
skinny guys who kick balls. Losing Pro Bowl return man Jerry Azumah hurts, but
Bernard Berrian and R.W. McQuarters should do nicely. Hell, I think McQuarters
made the Pro Bowl as a returner a few years back, but I might be wrong. Chicago's
doing nice on special teams.
OVERALL:
If the passing game doesn't suck, this could be a playoff team. If it does suck,
the defense and running game should pick up the slack, and they still won't
be too bad off.
KEY ADDITIONS:
Thomas Jones, RB
Adewale Ogunleye, DE
Ruben Brown, G
John Tait, T
Tommie Harris, DT
Terry "Tank" Johnson, DT
2003 RECORD: 7-9
PREDICTED 2004 RECORD:
9-7
THE FUTURE:
The Bears are young as hell, and have a lot of good players that are getting
better. If the quarterback and wide reciever problems work themselves out, this
could be a scary-ass team. The last time the Bears had a Super Bowl team was
in 1985. The next one will be in 2005. You heard me, bitch.
QUARTERBACKS:
This is one of those few question marks that could make or break the team, and
honestly, it's looking likely to break them at this point. Rex Grossman still
hasn't played enough for anyone to really be able to tell whether he's the next
Great Superstar kinda guy, or if he's another Chicago Bears first round pick
quarterback who wears the number 8 and won't be in the league in a few years.
(Remember Cade McNown? That's right, you don't.) All I know is that he sucked
a big washtub full of dicks this preseason, and so did his backups, Jamie Martin
and Craig Krenzel. Martin is the guy who people barely remember for filling
in admirably for Mark Brunell a while back for the Jaguars, and Krenzel is the
rookie from Ohio State who fills the role of college QB who was good and wons
lots of games, but will probably be out of the NFL in a couple years. Things
aren't looking good here. If Grossman can't deliver, the Bears are screwed.
If Grossman gets injured, the Bears are super awfully shity-shitty screwed.
I'm just glad Kordell Stewart is out of there. 
WIDE
RECIEVERS: What a difference a few years can make. First, Marcus Robinson
emerges as a super-duperstar. Then, he gets injured and Marty Booker becomes
the goddamn man. Now, they're both on other teams. Also, Dez White is a Falcon
now. Fuck. This means your top wide reciever is first round draft pick bust
David Terrell. In three years, he's managed to put together one fairly decent
season. The bad part is that the decent season is the total of all three years
put together. And the whole time, he's been pulling ego-trips that would bring
a tear to the eyes of Terrell Owens and Andre Rison, if either one of them had
a soul. Still though, Bears recievers have had a habit of coming out of nowhere
and being awesome for the last few years, and this could finally be his year.
I kinda doubt it, but we'll see. Across the field from him, there's Bobby Wade,
a rookie a year ago, and even though he's only caught twelve passes, he's the
guy everyone's expecting to be the next big thing here. In conclusion, good
god, trading Marty Booker was dumb. But anyway, if Wade or (more than likely)
Terrell can't get the job done, there's actually some solid backups here. Jamin
Elliot isn't terrible, Bernard Berrian was the ace in college and a lot of people
are high on him, and Justin Gage probably would be the starter over Terrell
if he hadn't missed the entire preseason. But anyway, yeah, trading Marty Booker
was fucking dumb. Wide reciever isn't going to unbearably bad or anything, but
definitely goes down in the "weaknesses" column.
good
line. In the off-season, they picked up a nine-time Pro Bowler in guard Ruben
Brown, and a guy everyone expects to start making Pro Bowls real soon in tackle
John Tait. Add that to Olin Kreutz, who's become the new Jay Hilgenberg, in
that he's the guy you just automatically assume will be named to the All-Pro
team without ever watching him play, and you've got a damn good group of three
offensive linemen. After that, though, it gets kinda iffy. Aside from Tait at
tackle, there's Qasim Mitchell and Aaron Gibson, and neither guy is all that
spectacular. Aaron Gibson is fantastically fat, though, so I'm a fan of his.
Mitchell will start, and he's one of those guys who's either going to suck or
break out and become a star, judging by the way coach types talk about him.
Then, there's always the outside chance of Marc Colombo actually suiting up
for a regular season NFL game someday, but I get the feeling his knees have
other plans. Poor guy. Shouldn't have too much trouble there, though. At the
other guard position, Rex Tucker is the goddamn man, but he's played like 5
games in the last 18 years, or some shit like that. The man is as brittle as
freaking glass. Chris Chandler makes fun of him for how often he gets hurt.
Crap. Until he comes back from the latest injury, it'll be Mike Gandy, who's
really not all that bad. Right on. Anyway, if Tucker can come back healthy,
the Bears' O-line will fucking devastate. Hell, it probably will already. This
might be their strongest position.
DEFENSIVE
LINE: This will make or break the 2004 Chicago Bears, defensive tackles
in particular. In recent years, they've basically served as kind of an offensive
line for Brian Urlacher. When those two big, fat, mechanical behemoths known
as Ted Washington and Keith Traylor were up front, those big fat fuckin' slops
of fuck would devour anywhere from three to four offensive linemen, keeping
the other team off of Urlacher, enabling him to go all over the field, dominate
games, and get on the cover of Sega football games. It took a nation of millions
to hold them back, and it freed up the rest of the defense. But after injuries
and free agency got rid of those two, things went to hell. Bryan Robinson and
Alfonso Boone weren't chopped liver or anything, but they weren't going to make
a running back shit his pants, and they sure as hell won't swallow up multiple
blockers with their fabulous girth. And Robinson inexplicably got cut at the
end of the preseason, despite being the better of the two, so that's where this
years top draft picks come in. Lovie Smith had the idea that he would get some
quick-ass, smaller guys in there who would eat up double teams, not because
of how fat they were, but because of how desperate the offense was to keep them
out of their backfield. The idea worked for Tampa Bay, with Warren Sapp and
That Other Guy. So the progression of Tommie Harris and Tank Johnson will have
a lot to do with how good the Bears are this year. From living in Norman, Oklahoma,
I know that Harris is a freaking monster. His stats weren't all that hot, but
that's because he was drawing triple-team blocks half the time. If he can do
that for the Bears, that means another 200-tackle season for Urlacher, and probably
another 3 or 4 wins. I dn't know much about Tank Johnson, but his name is fucking
TANK, so what else do you need to know? They don't name a guy "Tank"
if he doesn't fuck up people's lives. He cut off his dreadlocks, though, so
that may sap him of his Biblical Strength. At defensive end, Adewale Ogunleye
sounds nice, but I kinda wonder if his big numbers in Miami were mainly from
the line focusing on Jason Taylor on the other side. Also, I still have no idea
how to pronounce his name. Is it Oh-GUN-le-yay, or OH-gun-LAY-ya, or something
else entirely? Still, kinda hard to go wrong with a guy who almost had as many
sacks last year as the entire Chicago Bears team did last year. Crap. At the
other end position, Alex Brown ain't bad, but he needs to regain his 
college
pass-rushing ability somehow, because DE isn't a position where you want a guy
who's just a run-stopper. Behind those two, you have Israel Idonije, and I can't
pronounce his name either, so fuck him, and Michael Haynes, a Bears first round
draft pick bust in the sterling tradition of Al Harris, Rashaan Salaam, Stan
Thomas, Curtis Enis, Cade McNown, probably Marc Colombo, and especially John
Thierry. He was so awful that they traded away their best wide reciever out
of the fear that he might have to get playing time. Wow. Idonijje is supposedly
an up-and-coming kinda guy, but still, if any defensive ends get injured, we
are fucked.
DEFENSIVE
BACKS: This is one of those areas on the field that the Bears are stacked
at. At corner, losing Jerry Azumah presumable for the entire season is going
to hurt, but R.W. McQuarters, Todd McMillon, and Nathan Vasher all seem to be
guys who can step in and start for an NFL team and not suck. Meanwhile, the
other corner spot is in no trouble at all, because Charles Tillman is well on
his way to becoming one of the best in the league. You heard it here first:
Charles Tillman, member 2005 NFC Pro Bowl team. I'm kind of hoping McQuarters
can get uninjured and play on the other side, because then, the Bears would
have the Super Dreadlock Interception Squad. Oh, hell yeah, that would rule.
At free safety, you've got Mike Brown, who quite clearly owns your soul, and
will stop at nothing to keep it. He's filled the old Mark Carrier "My stats
suck, because no quarterback will dare throw anywhere around me" role nicely.
At strong safety, I'm not even sure who'll start, but it's pretty nice either
way. Mark Green was pretty damn good, and when he went down last year, Bobby
Gray stepped in and became pretty damn better. I got no worries in the defensive
backfield. 
Dez White, WR