Remember when I was going to have this done for the halfway point of the season? Ha ha ha ha ha. Anyway...
QUARTERBACKS: A lot of people have been fellating Kyle Orton all year, but I'm not going to say some "hey, he's a proven winner" or "this kid is for real" bullshit, because it would be just that: Bullshit. Sure, he's an improvement over the Quinn/Krenzel/Hutchinson debacle of last year, but that still makes him the worst starting quarterback in the National Football League, and it's clear that they've been winning in spite of the guy, rather than because of him. Meanwhile, Rex Grossman is almost healthy and waiting in the wings to take back the starting job, and while this was supposed to be the year he proved all doubters wrong and saved the franchise, he's a lot more likely to be yet another in a long line of 70 passer rating, more interceptions than touchdowns Bears quarterback. Despite the fact that he's only played like five games in two years, (red flag number one) it's become pretty apparent that he's simply not very good. THe situation ranges from bleak to dire here, and I'm starting to think that Jeff Blake should probably have been the starter all along, what with him being the closest thing on the team to an average QB they have. Can you tell I'm not happy here?
RUNNING BACKS: I'm pretty sure I predicted that Thomas Jones would do really good and then get hurt and replaced by Cedric Benson, who would do even better. In the end, pretty much the obvious has happened. Benson spent the first half of the season trying to prove he was the next Blair Thomas/Sammie Smith/Curtis Enis wasted first round pick running back, and when he finally did show some flashes of not sucking, he screwed up his knee and has missed the last few games. Meanwhile, Jones did have his yearly bout with injuries for a while there, but aside from that, he's been fan-fucking-tastic. He's already over 1,000 yards for the season, and this is once again playing against defenses that are free to put eight men in the box, with the passing game being a total non-threat. Meanwhile, in the limited action he's seen, Adrian Peterson has played better, at least statistically, than Jones or Benson. At fullback, Marc Edwards played pretty well as the starter, and with Jason McKie and starter Bryan Johnson returning from injury, he dropped to third on the depth chart. This means that the Bears are three-deep at both running back positions. NICE.
RECIEVERS: Not much has been going on here, with the lack of numerical production from Orton, but Muhsin Muhammad seems to be worth all the money they tossed at him earlier this year, putting up respectable numbers, even with the passing game being a non-factor. At the other position, Mark Bradley was seeming to emerge as a star, when he suddenly remembered he was a Chicago Bear, tore up something or other, and is now out for the year. Since then, it's been wide receiver by committee, with Justin Gage, Bobby Wade, and Bernard Berrian all playing Ron Morris to Muhammad's Wendell Davis. None of them have done particularly well, but I suppose they haven't embarrassed themselves. At tight end, Desmond Clark is having a nice year for a tight end on a team with no quarterback. Not too much to say about the backup tight ends. John Gilmore caught a touchdown. Wheeeeeeeeee.
OFFENSIVE LINE: Well, this has turned out better than I thought it would. Bears QBs spent more time on the ground than on their feet last year, and with the only changes in the offseason being the additions of mediocre Fred Miller and somewhat dreadful Roberto Garza, it seemed like Kyle Orton would do his best David Carr impression all year. But damned if they both didn't decide to stop sucking as soon as they put on navy blue uniforms. Miller's been fairly decent, and when Ruben Brown missed a bunch of games, Garza stepped in and didn't miss a beat. Meanwhile, center Olin Kreutz is more than likely headed to another Pro Bowl, John Tait has settled nicely into his natural left tackle position, and guard Terrence Metcalf is more slightly above average than usual. It's not exactly one of the hyper-powered Denver or Dallas lines, but it's respectable for a change. My only complaint is that they decided to get rid of last year's feel good story, former fist round pick Marc Colombo, who seemed ready to turn back into a starter-quality player, and replace him with former Ram John St. Clair. St. Clair isn't bad, but he doesn't have a TV movie worthy "come back after missing two years to block the field goal and win the game" story attached to him, so it still sucks. Still, this is a major reason the Bears don't suck right now.
DEFENSIVE LINE: Hoooo-lee shit. I don't care what anyone says. This is the best defensive line in pro football today. At the end positions, Adewale Ogunleye has turned back into the guy that got 15 sacks for the Dolphins a few years ago, and after a slow start, Alex Brown has become the monster he showed flashes of being for a few games last year. Past them, though, the backups (Israel Idonije and former first-round bust Michael Haynes) aren't much to write home about, but fortunately, the Bears defense has stayed shockingly healthy this year. At the tackle position, they're both probably long-shots, but Pro Bowl talk has gone around regarding both Tommie Harris and Ian Scott, and the two top backups, Tank Johnson and Alphonso Boone, would probably start and be major contributors for damn near any other defense in the league. Once again, holy shit.
LINEBACKERS: Statistically, Brian Urlacher might be having the best year of his career, so this means the media types are going to go batshit insane with the accusations of overratedness come this offseason. But yeah, with Baltimore's Ray Lewis all crippled up, he's snuggled nicely into the position of unquestioned best middle linebacker in the league. Meanwhile, Lance Briggs is having another Pro Bowl season, and while he's not a star by any means, Hunter Hillenmeyer has held up his end of the bargain. Past those three, things get much weaker, though, yet another reason the lack of injuries on defense is a good thing.
DEFENSIVE BACKS: The cornerback position is fucking solid. To be honest, Charles Tillman absolutely sucked earlier in the year, but lately he's done his best to prove that his rookie year wasn't a fluke. On the other side, after a fairly decent 2004 season, Jerry Azumah has been demoted to nickel back, but the reason for that is because Nathan Vasher has become one of the big breakout stars of the 2005 NFL season. With four games left in the year, he's already got seven interceptions and made the play of the year when he returned a short field goal 108 yards for a completely fucking ridiculous touchdown in the longest play in NFL history. At the safety positions, Mike Brown returned to All Pro form after missing pretty much all of last year, switching back from free to strong safety, where he raised so much hell in that 13-3 season a while back. After Mike Green hella-sucked for a few games, rookie Chris Harris took over at free safety and while he hasn't been spectacular or anything, he hasn't screwed anything up and seems on pace to be a solid starter. Unfortunately, both Harris and Brown are banged up, meaning the starters tomorrow against Pittsburgh will be Green and Todd Johnson. Green returned to form too late to get his starting job back, but he's a good cover man and shouldn't be too much of a drop off, if at all. Meanwhile, Johnson is an absolutely crushing hitter and good against the run, but he leaves much to be desired in pass coverage. Mike Brown supposedly isn't going to miss any more games after this, so all should be well in the long run.
SPECIAL TEAMS: Boy, this has been an odd year. First, the two constants have remained solid. Brad Maynard is one of the league's better punters and Jerry Azumah has been one of the league's better kickoff returners for a while now. Meanwhile, after having a solid career marred only by a severe fucking-up in a playoff game for the Jets last year, Doug Brien turned into absolute shit and was cut loose after three games, paving the way for Robbie Gould to come in and do fairly well for himself. At punt returner, Bobby Wade was looking to have a breakout year, leading the league in punt return average for a while, but then, he must have soaked his hands in some fucked up industrial lubricant that can't wash off or something, because he developed a near-fatal case of fumbleitis. Rashied Davis got handed the job, but he didn't do much better, and Bernard Berrian has two returns for a whopping negative three yards. This gives Wade another chance, and hopefully, he can find some of those gloves with the sticky stuff on them. Meanwhile, on special teams coverage type stuff, which I don't know shit about, I've seen a few columnist guys saying Brendan Ayanbadejo could make the Pro Bowl in such a capacity, so there you go.
OVERALL: Good god, if this team had a quarterback, they'd make the Colts their bitch. There, I said it.
Pro Bowl Predictions:
Likely: Olin Kreutz, Adewale Ogunleye, Brian Urlacher, Lance Briggs, Nathan Vasher, Mike Brown, Brendan Ayanbadejo
Possible: Thomas Jones, Alex Brown, Tommie Harris, Ian Scott
Last few games: Week 14 vs. Pittsburgh - The Steelers are kinda sucking lately, but with Mike Brown out and Todd Johnson in, Hines Ward might be able to go off. Given the facts that the Steelers never lose four in a row, and the Bears never win nine in a row, this doesn't look too good.
Week 15 vs. Atlanta - Even when they sucked, the Bears could shut down Michael Vick. Win.
Week 16 vs. Green Bay - I'd love to get a Christmas present by having the Bears sweep Green Bay for the first time in over a decade, but I get a feeling that Brett Favre has to piss off Bears fans one last time before he retires. The Packers absolutely suck balls, and logic dictates that they shouldn't stand a chance, but the Favre-downtrodden pessimist in me tells me that they might get the job done here.
Week 17 vs. Minnesota - With the Vikings surging, this could be a game to decide who wins the NFC North, if the Bears end up losing a couple games between now and then. But yeah, the Vikes don't stand a chance.
FINAL PREDICTION: 11-5, FIRST PLACE, NFC NORTH.
See you buttholes around playoff time. And fuck that Sports Illustrated guy who said they'd be lucky to win two games. Douche.
QUARTERBACKS: A lot of people have been fellating Kyle Orton all year, but I'm not going to say some "hey, he's a proven winner" or "this kid is for real" bullshit, because it would be just that: Bullshit. Sure, he's an improvement over the Quinn/Krenzel/Hutchinson debacle of last year, but that still makes him the worst starting quarterback in the National Football League, and it's clear that they've been winning in spite of the guy, rather than because of him. Meanwhile, Rex Grossman is almost healthy and waiting in the wings to take back the starting job, and while this was supposed to be the year he proved all doubters wrong and saved the franchise, he's a lot more likely to be yet another in a long line of 70 passer rating, more interceptions than touchdowns Bears quarterback. Despite the fact that he's only played like five games in two years, (red flag number one) it's become pretty apparent that he's simply not very good. THe situation ranges from bleak to dire here, and I'm starting to think that Jeff Blake should probably have been the starter all along, what with him being the closest thing on the team to an average QB they have. Can you tell I'm not happy here? 
RUNNING BACKS: I'm pretty sure I predicted that Thomas Jones would do really good and then get hurt and replaced by Cedric Benson, who would do even better. In the end, pretty much the obvious has happened. Benson spent the first half of the season trying to prove he was the next Blair Thomas/Sammie Smith/Curtis Enis wasted first round pick running back, and when he finally did show some flashes of not sucking, he screwed up his knee and has missed the last few games. Meanwhile, Jones did have his yearly bout with injuries for a while there, but aside from that, he's been fan-fucking-tastic. He's already over 1,000 yards for the season, and this is once again playing against defenses that are free to put eight men in the box, with the passing game being a total non-threat. Meanwhile, in the limited action he's seen, Adrian Peterson has played better, at least statistically, than Jones or Benson. At fullback, Marc Edwards played pretty well as the starter, and with Jason McKie and starter Bryan Johnson returning from injury, he dropped to third on the depth chart. This means that the Bears are three-deep at both running back positions. NICE. 
OFFENSIVE LINE: Well, this has turned out better than I thought it would. Bears QBs spent more time on the ground than on their feet last year, and with the only changes in the offseason being the additions of mediocre Fred Miller and somewhat dreadful Roberto Garza, it seemed like Kyle Orton would do his best David Carr impression all year. But damned if they both didn't decide to stop sucking as soon as they put on navy blue uniforms. Miller's been fairly decent, and when Ruben Brown missed a bunch of games, Garza stepped in and didn't miss a beat. Meanwhile, center Olin Kreutz is more than likely headed to another Pro Bowl, John Tait has settled nicely into his natural left tackle position, and guard Terrence Metcalf is more slightly above average than usual. It's not exactly one of the hyper-powered Denver or Dallas lines, but it's respectable for a change. My only complaint is that they decided to get rid of last year's feel good story, former fist round pick Marc Colombo, who seemed ready to turn back into a starter-quality player, and replace him with former Ram John St. Clair. St. Clair isn't bad, but he doesn't have a TV movie worthy "come back after missing two years to block the field goal and win the game" story attached to him, so it still sucks. Still, this is a major reason the Bears don't suck right now.
DEFENSIVE LINE: Hoooo-lee shit. I don't care what anyone says. This is the best defensive line in pro football today. At the end positions, Adewale Ogunleye has turned back into the guy that got 15 sacks for the Dolphins a few years ago, and after a slow start, Alex Brown has become the monster he showed flashes of being for a few games last year. Past them, though, the backups (Israel Idonije and former first-round bust Michael Haynes) aren't much to write home about, but fortunately, the Bears defense has stayed shockingly healthy this year. At the tackle position, they're both probably long-shots, but Pro Bowl talk has gone around regarding both Tommie Harris and Ian Scott, and the two top backups, Tank Johnson and Alphonso Boone, would probably start and be major contributors for damn near any other defense in the league. Once again, holy shit. 
DEFENSIVE BACKS: The cornerback position is fucking solid. To be honest, Charles Tillman absolutely sucked earlier in the year, but lately he's done his best to prove that his rookie year wasn't a fluke. On the other side, after a fairly decent 2004 season, Jerry Azumah has been demoted to nickel back, but the reason for that is because Nathan Vasher has become one of the big breakout stars of the 2005 NFL season. With four games left in the year, he's already got seven interceptions and made the play of the year when he returned a short field goal 108 yards for a completely fucking ridiculous touchdown in the longest play in NFL history. At the safety positions, Mike Brown returned to All Pro form after missing pretty much all of last year, switching back from free to strong safety, where he raised so much hell in that 13-3 season a while back. After Mike Green hella-sucked for a few games, rookie Chris Harris took over at free safety and while he hasn't been spectacular or anything, he hasn't screwed anything up and seems on pace to be a solid starter. Unfortunately, both Harris and Brown are banged up, meaning the starters tomorrow against Pittsburgh will be Green and Todd Johnson. Green returned to form too late to get his starting job back, but he's a good cover man and shouldn't be too much of a drop off, if at all. Meanwhile, Johnson is an absolutely crushing hitter and good against the run, but he leaves much to be desired in pass coverage. Mike Brown supposedly isn't going to miss any more games after this, so all should be well in the long run.
SPECIAL TEAMS: Boy, this has been an odd year. First, the two constants have remained solid. Brad Maynard is one of the league's better punters and Jerry Azumah has been one of the league's better kickoff returners for a while now. Meanwhile, after having a solid career marred only by a severe fucking-up in a playoff game for the Jets last year, Doug Brien turned into absolute shit and was cut loose after three games, paving the way for Robbie Gould to come in and do fairly well for himself. At punt returner, Bobby Wade was looking to have a breakout year, leading the league in punt return average for a while, but then, he must have soaked his hands in some fucked up industrial lubricant that can't wash off or something, because he developed a near-fatal case of fumbleitis. Rashied Davis got handed the job, but he didn't do much better, and Bernard Berrian has two returns for a whopping negative three yards. This gives Wade another chance, and hopefully, he can find some of those gloves with the sticky stuff on them. Meanwhile, on special teams coverage type stuff, which I don't know shit about, I've seen a few columnist guys saying Brendan Ayanbadejo could make the Pro Bowl in such a capacity, so there you go.
Last few games: