June 9, 2004: I Hate Your Clothes

I know this is hard to believe, seeing as I run a website and all, but I'm not the hippest guy you're ever going to meet. No, seriously. I know it comes as a shock, but it's true. And I'm not the most fashionable or well-dressed guy out there, either. Until Justin Timberlake does a Seventeen cover shoot in a "Latino Heat" T-shirt and a pair of royal-ass blue shoes he bought as a joke at a "going out of business" sale, people will more than likely not flock to me for fashion advice. But lately, things have to come light that I feel I should - nay, I must - squeeze some internet content out of. I've always found the tastes of the general public not to my liking, but it really never bothered me before. Or at least in the past, I wasn't so bitter at the world that cursed me to work at Wal Mart and drive a car that only occasionally has brakes to get that worked up over the little things. But it's another rant entirely. Totally, another rant there. Oh man. Anyway, yeah, the stuff people wear now bothers me. In fact, it often pisses me off. Now, let's have a little look at a few examples of these things, as I project my venomous self-loathing onto other people, making you, in essence, laugh at my pain. Man, screw you guys. And your clothes. Like these:

THE T-SHIRT WITH "ATTITUDE":

Yeah, well I fucking hate it.

Chances are, if you've set foot in a major retail outlet, gas station, or welfare office, you've seen at least one of these. Chances are, it was on a lumbering, sweaty, 300-pound or greater lummox who more than likely bought the burritos that they still smell like with your tax dollars. And until shirts like these were available, they shambled through life, unfulfilled, because there was no way to tell the outside world just how "sassy" they were. Then, some genius made their dreams come true, with a T-shirt that proudly screamed to world what a total dickhead the wearer was capable of being. See, that's what I don't get about these. The basic premise behind these is that the wearer is basically a total asshole. Why would you want to tell people that? They wouldn't call it an attitude problem if it wasn't a god damned PROBLEM. As in "not a good thing." And of course, they couldn't stop there, and eventually had to start getting adorable cartoon characters involved, such as the one below:

Personally, I don't find Tweety Bird adorable at all, and have wanted to see Sylvester rip the flesh from his bones since I was a small child. And this t-shirt, which reveals Tweety to be an absolute dickhead, only reinforces that belief. What I don't get here is that they have the "good guy" cartoon characters acting like pricks. Why turn people against the ones they're supposed to be rooting for like that? Why not use the villains, instead?

See? Makes more sense, if you ask me.

THE IRONIC T-SHIRT

This cockbag probably has a closet full of Voivod shirts.

Oh man. If I didn't have enough reasons to hate emo kids and MTV pseudo-punks. They already pissed me off enough, with their thick-rimmed glasses and backpacks taunting me with their ability to see clearly and carry several useful items while keeping both hands free. What a bunch of crap. And as this little trend rises in popularity, it brings with it the gut-churning nausea of the Ironic T-shirt. Basically, let me explain the principle behind this. Someone says, "Boy, I think this is stupid. I know! I'll make fun of it by pretending to like it! How ironic and funny! Ha ha!" and then, I punch them in the stomach until their mouth starts to bleed. At first, this whole thing wasn't so bad. Seeing a skinny guy or chubby girl wearing a much-too-tight Bruce Springsteen or "Mullets Rock!" shirt had no effect on me at all. Then, it started. Slowly at first, when I saw a kid with a Weezer t-shirt, where the logo was made to look like a Slayer logo, with "Geektanic Weezmacht" on the back. It wasn't so bad, really. Hell, I found it quite amusing. Then, it got worse. Teenage girls who didn't know who Lemmy was, wearing Motörhead shirts. Drew Barrymore doing magazine covers in an AC/DC shirt. Then, sometime around 2002, the most horrible tragedy to ever strike into the mainland of America happened: The Darkness happened. Their name reminiscent of the great darkness that swept over the land in their wake, they had a message, and it rang clear throughout the hearts of trendy kids everywhere: Heavy metal was one big hilarious joke, and by god, it was now open season. (Well, actually, they were making fun of 70s hard rock, but this is a general public we're talking about that thinks Aerosmith, Linkin Park, Enuff Z'nuff, and Cannibal Corpse are all in the same category) A Slayer shirt here, a Megadeth shirt there. Then, the "I'm more hip than you" one-upsmanship started, and since being obscure is totally cool, more and more obscure bands started showing up blazoned across the chests of people who couldn't pick Tom G. Warrior out of a police lineup. I remember in late 2002, just after moving to Oklahoma, I was out looking for a job. Running low on options, I decided to check out the mall. And that's when I saw it. Skinny kid, thick-rimmed glasses, acne, patch-covered backpack. And a freaking Vio-Lence t-shirt. My faith in humanity still intact by that point, I complimented him on his shirt, and asked him if he liked the band. His reply? "Oh, I've never heard them before; I just thought it was a cool shirt." If I didn't expend so much precious energy restraining my all-consuming murderous impulses that consume me to the core of my blackened heart, I would have chokeslammed the kid, right there in the middle of the mall. Seriously. Like staring him down and throwing his arm over my shoulder first, and everything. I've seen it happen in a real fight before. Honest. But cooler heads prevailed, I simply responded with "Oh," and ended up getting a hellish job at Petsmart later that day. But from now on, I will not show so much mercy. If I see anyone wearing the shirt of a band they don't like or have never heard, they're getting punched in the goddamn throat. I have no priors, so the judge will probably be lenient on me. Hear that, assmasters? I'll be back on the street in no time! Ha! Anyway, just to sum things up:

No irony here, motherfucker.

"TRUCKER HATS"

Oh, fuck you, kid. The foam-and-mesh baseball cap sucked in 1983, and it still sucks today. "Oh, it's so hip and retro! Look, I look like one of those nasty people who has a job! Ha ha, how ironic!" That's the last thing some kids says before he gets choked with an extension cord. Why an extension cord? Simple. I don't know.

THIS GODDAMN SHIRT:

Chances are pretty good that you've probably seen this on every single human being who ever put on a pair of giant black pants and figured out that black nail polish would scare their 74 year old social studies teacher. Yeah, good one. You show your rebellious indiviuality by wearing a mass-produced t-shirt that's sold in stores throughout the entire planet, which everyone, including at least three or four people you know, owns. Yeah. Way to be that guy, jackass. The true irony here is that when you see someone wearing this shirt, they're probably going to be in a group of three or more mall-goth drones who all dress, act, and think alike, and all listen to the exact same music. Anyway, here's a shirt I've designed that needs to be made for the just such an occasion when you run into someone wearing one of those:

FUCKED-UP NEW CLOTHES

Hey, these are defective! Oh...

I remember when I was a kid, all the glam-rocking hair-farmers were either wearing acid-washed jeans or jeans that were all ripped up. And it was completely fucking stupid. The ones who took razor blades and tore up the jeans themselves at least made some sort of effort, and if they had poured acid into their washing machine, well, on some level, anything involving acid dissolving shit in kinda cool. But on the other hand, while making these yourself was questionable, actually buying a pair of jeans - paying MORE for a pair of jeans - because they were pre-fucked up was just idiotic. But once again, leave it to the generation that made You Got Served a Hollywood blockbuster to trump the absolute, dumbfoundingly ludicrous fashion choices of those who came before them with these: Pre-stained jeans. No, that's not faded, it's not dyed, and no acid was involved. It's fucking dirt. No, no, no, it's worse than that. It's not even real dirt! It's some sort of sterile, mass-produced faux dirt. What the hell? Where is the logic here? "Hmm. I could buy some pants for 20-30 dollars. Then, I could get dirts stains all over them, which would mean I couldn't wear them anymore, except for yard work. Hmm. Oh wait! Those $40 pants are already dirty! I'll be the biggest Hollywood Fashion Plate on my block! Thank you Levis!" Then, of course, we have "distressed" clothing, where you pay an extra five bucks or so for the crap to look faded, and for the design to be all cracked. So, shirt you wear until it fades and gets all cracked equals a shirt to mow the yard in. And shirt you buy already in that condition equals HIGH STYLE, READY FOR ACTION, BABY! WHOO! Dude, what the FUCK!? What, I mean... How does this make sense to anyone at all? I mean... Shit... Jesus Christ, that is... Fucking... Why would... How can they... Fuck... Ass... AAAAAAAAAARRRRRRRGGGGGGHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!