RANDOM SHIT 52

In case you haven't figured it out, I live in America. As in the United States Of. And in case you haven't noticed, everyone hates us. Seriously. I can't believe it either. Actually I can, and was getting all ready to type out a whole page about it, but I just thought it would sound good to say "I can't believe it either." Stop interrupting me, asshole. Anyway, everyone hates us. Even the Canadians, and they're basically exactly like us, except whiny and unarmed. Silly Canadians.

Soccer is pretty gay.

The thing no one has been able to figure out is just why everyone with a silly accent who can't speak English hates us, though. It's a very complicated subject with many factors to consider, so I'll oversimplify it and spend an hour trying to explain it: Basically, the world hates us because we aren't them. Well, I told you I was going to oversimplify it. The rest of the world likes football, as in soccer. America likes football, as in FOOTBALL, and makes fun of soccer players for their big, goofy-ass socks. Ha ha. Look at those socks. Right up to their knees. Ha ha ha. Where was I? Oh yeah. The rest of the world drives on the left, and we drive on the right side. The rest of the world are assholes. We're hella-cool. So you can see the cultural differences between the U.S. and the rest of the world. And everyone, regardless of who they are or where they live, likes to think that the way they do things is the best way to go about it. And example could be me calling the rest of the world assholes a few lines higher up on this page. Thing is, the rest of the world has been around a lot longer than the U.S. has, and they've been doing all the things they do a lot longer than we have, too. And in case you haven't noticed lately, the United States of America, despite only being about 227 years old, (that's young for a country. Seriously.) basically rules the world. I mean, the other guys get to make their own laws and stuff, but if you haven't noticed, they live off selling shit to us, and the only reason no one blows their shit up is because OUR armies are staying in their countries. And I'm no historian, but generally, when someone else's army is hanging around in your country, doing whatever they damn well please, that doesn't make you look like you're running things. The U.S. has the money, the power, and the swimming pools full of hot bitches, and there's simply no way left for all the other guys to delude themselves into thinking the way they do shit works better than what we've done, and this pisses them off.

Think of it this way. You're an old guy running a hardware store. And you're like REALLY old. Like a thousand years old. And your store has been open for like hundreds of years. And you're doing okay with your hardware store, and you're thinking you're like the king of hardware. Then, some young punk starts his own hardware store across town, and you just kind of laugh it off, because you think he's doing things all wrong is headed straight out of business. Then, in like 1/100th of the time you've been open, his store has grown into like a bigass warehouse store with all kinds of cool shit that everyone wants, and every day, you have to watch him drive by your store in a badass Chevy Nova on the way to the bank, with the back seat full of bigass bags with dollar signs on them. And here you are, with a shitty little store in a shitty little strip mall, and all your old customers are buying the young punk's shit, because it's shinier and smells nicer. Wouldn't that piss you off?

Also, with the internet and satellite TV, it's become a lot harder for the rest of the world to ignore us. And like I said, we're not them, and our culture is a lot different from theirs. The rest of the world has these cultures that have been in place for zillions of years, and they're all proud of them, and don't want their cultures to be fucked with. But America really has no single culture. We haven't been around that long, and we're made up of people from a million different countries, so we just picked pieces here and there and changed it every few years. And since our shit has had room to breathe, it's a lot more fucking cool than theirs. And they know this, and they don't like this. When Mahmoud turns on American TV and sees Britney Spears getting her groove on, he knows that little Shafiqa might want to throw off her burqa, dress up like a whore, and get her own respective groove on, and this totally pisses him off. A few years ago, Mahmoud could have just lived happily with the knowledge that this was going on a few thousand miles away and little Shafiqa would live uncorrupted, but ever since he got that damn computer, there's always someone popping up on that thing eating a big slab of prok or having sex with each other, and enjoying it, or even worse - doing both. Basically, technology is making the world smaller. And since we have the coolest shit, we're the ones getting all the airtime. So in the smaller technological world, we've taken like 99% of the space, and we're absolutely impossible to ignore now. And this is totally pissing everyone off, because their beloved cultures are being replaced by kids in pimped out Honda Civics, blasting Fifty-Cent out of speakers much too large for a shitty little car that size. Damn, actually, now that I think about it, I'd hate us too. Hell, I'm American, and I hate that shit. Bad example. But... Ummmm.. Welll, uhhhhhh , YES WE'RE AWESOME!

Bascially, to sum everything up, America hasn't been around that long, is nothing like the rest of the world, has all the best shit, and there's no way for the rest of the world to convince ethemselves that their ways are better anymore. Look. It's not our fault we're so awesome. If your kids are acting like American kids, it's not because we forced our American values on them: It's because they saw us, liked what we were doing, and decided to do it themselves. Hey, it even happens here, with the weird obsession with all things Japanese some Americans have. (I'm not one of those people, but still, god damn Hiroyoshi Tenzan and the Iron Chef rule...) If everyone in your country is broke and/or unemployed, it's not our fault, either. Maybe while you've been bitching about how evil our horrible capitalist system is, you've been ignoring how ineffective your half-assed, more "progressive" system is. Maybe, just maybe, the problems you have where you live started where you live, and not in America. Pay more attention to what's going on at home, bitch about your government before you bitch about mine, fix your own problems before you blame them on me, and keep your asses clean.

Fuck... I bet all kinds of people are going to send me hate mail for this one. I better follow it up with a humorous article on a similar topic. (At least I hope it's humorous. Otherwise, it just sucks...)

America rules. No, seriously. It does. It rules so much that it makes me want to punch a guy in the face until he passes out. It rules so much that it makes everyone else on Earth hate us, like we established earlier. And I'm going to tell you why. It's not because of the usual reasons you hear about. No, I'm not gonna sit here and talk about "freedom" and "liberty," and little insignificant shit like that. No way man. America rules, and here's why: Three words:

Seriously. People actually call America "The Great Satan," and that kicks ass. I mean, is there anything cooler than that? Think about what some other places have been called. Russia was "The Evil Empire," and that

Even this dumbass knows what's up.

sucks, because Evil Empire was the album where Rage Against the Machine started just doing the same song over and over with slightly different lyrics. Fuck that. Now, if Russia were called "Rage Against the Machine," or better yet, "Self-Titled," they might be cool. But instead, they were The Evil Empire, and that's why their whack-ass Soviet Union collapsed. Then, there's "The Axis of Evil." That sucks. Sounds like something some dork who takes Everquest way too seriously named his little Everquest guild. And fuck any game that requires a monthly fee, so fuck The Axis of Evil ADNd Everquest, dammit. "Fertile Crescent" is half-decent, because it's a veiled reference to a girl's private parts, but then again, it dooms anyone from that area to be a pussy, literally. Screw that. Heh... Screw the Fertile Crescent... Screw the pussy... Ha ha... Unintentional humor. Aaaaanyway, there's also other places that call themselves "God's Country," and you just can't find Slayer tapes in a place called God's Country. Screw them, too. At least when you're in a place called The Great Satan, you know there's gonna be some Slayer laying around, or at least some Black Sabbath down at the Pic-a-Bit on the corner.

And really, is there anything cooler than Satan, anyway? Satan does nothing all day but stab people and listen to Judas Priest. If I could legally get away with it, that's like my totally ideal lifestyle. I'd be all like, "damn, I'm bored," and then, I'd be all like "gonna go stab somebody," and I'd start jabbing sharpened screwdrivers into random people while singing "Living After Midnight," and they'd be too busy going, "damn, dude you ROCK!" to even worry about being stabbed, and then, we'd go hang out and stab some more people. It would be so cool, that it would be, like, totally cool. Satan is so cool. I mean, damn, let's do a little comparison here:

Advantage: Satan.

God:

"Flying Missiles, Atomic Bonbs, and the Second Coming of Jesus Christ"

Satan:

"The Number of the Beast"

Advantage: Satan

God:

Found these jerks on a Google image search for "Christians."

Satan:

Found the fucking Highlander on a Google image search for "Satanic."

Advantage: Satan

God:

Jerry Falwell.

Satan:

This guy.

Advantage: Satan

And finally...

Nkita Koloff Under the Influence of God:

Nice mullet, asshole.

Nikita Koloff Under a Godless Regime:

FEAR RUSSIAN NIGHTMARE!!!!!!!

I rest my motherfucking case.

All the cool things have in some way been done in the name of Satan. So for all those little countries out there, calling us the Great Satan is just their subtle way of going "Damn, those Americans are so cool. I mean, they totally kick ass. Like seriously," without having to hurt their own national pride by admitting how much less cool they are than we are.

Seriously.