September 17, 2000: Into the Vault: Guilty of Being Sober

Originally published in Paranoize #12, sometime around September 1999

You know... Ever since I was a little kid have had it drilled into my head that I shouldn’t drink, smoke, do drugs, etc. And like the good little boy that I am, I obeyed the teachers, the family members, the TV commercials, and political-types that told me this and have been completely straight for 19 years and counting. And trust me, it’s not as great as they all made it sound. I had been told that all I had to do was do the right thing and "just say no," and I would be the guy with the wonderful life, the good grades, the beautiful women, etc. And in hindsight, that really is as ridiculous as it sounds. What has staying clean gotten for me? First of all, it’s destroyed any chance I ever had of having a decent social life. I have to stay away from any kind of parties or social activities, because lets face it - when you’re sober, fucked-up people are just no fun. I hate having to sit there with a straight face while some guy whose had a few too many hugs up to me, telling me "I love you, man" over and over, then gets up and tries to pick a fight with me. Not to mention the discomfort of watching Miss Sorority Girl pop a few too many pills and cover some poor bastard’s 800 dollar couch with whatever she ate that day. Staying straight has also deprived me of having the kind of childhood / early adulthood that everybody else gets to have. The only "dude, he was so messed up" stories I have to tell anyone are the ones my mom’s told me ("He saw the ceiling fan and thought it was Jesus!"). Also, I don’t have that easy-out everybody else has when bad shit happens. I can’t go "Well, my girlfriend left me, I can’t find a job, and the dog’s got heartworms - Time to get fucked-up, I suppose," like everyone else gets to do. Instead, I have to sit there with a perfectly clear head and actually deal with whatever’s happened to me, like some jackass. As for my love life, I just have this to say: What love life? Let’s face it. At this point in life, women just don’t want the guy who obeys laws and always tries to be a good little boy. The drunken, drugged-up "bad boys" get to date, screw, and maybe even marry the beautiful girls, while the "nice guys" just get to be the beautiful girls’ best friends, and rely on internet porn and their right hand for love. Basically, unless I go for Little Miss Super-Christian or some Magic-playing, PBS-watching, X-Files obsessing nerd-girl, I’m shit out of luck. And lets face it, not even I’m that desperate yet. In conclusion, not drinking and being drug-free has basically ruined my life. So I implore you, don’t make the same mistake I did. As soon as you finish reading this, go out, spend at least ten dollars on liquor, kill that, then find your nearest known peddler of illegal substances, and buy whatever the hell you can afford. Trust me, you’ll be glad you did. And for the record, Minor Threat and Nancy Reagan can kiss my fat ass.