May 8, 2001: Random Tangent #1

Sometimes, I see things that would appear meaningless or be ignored by most people, but for some reason, trigger a shitload of thought in me. While cleaning out my car, I came across an issue of Mad Magazine, with this ad on the back:

It's certainly not a normal ad, but it doesn't seem like one that would provoke any real amount of thought. (At least not the thoughts I had) My focus immediately went toward one phrase in particular.

What the hell... Hardcore? CORN SNACKS!? I hate when advertisers try to push an image on a product that it can't possibly live up to. When I hear the word "hardcore," images pop into my mind like a massive pile-on at a Murphy's Law show or Mr. Pogo being set on fire by Terry Funk. Aside from the word's relation to certain types of punk rock, pornography, or pro wrestling, the word "hardcore" implies a certain intense, even violent, attitude that is just so... so... NOT CORN-RELATED.
This all reminds me of the early-to-mid 1990s, when the word "extreme" was shoved down our throats at every opportunity marketing executives found. The word "extreme" was tagged to such things as the Extreme Games, G.I. Joe Extreme, Extreme Championship Wrestling, Extreme Nachos, Extreme Dinosaurs, Vanilla Ice - To the Extreme, And Extreme Boston Carver Sandwiches. Okay, Extreme Games (later renamed to "X Games," when ESPN's executives saw the word "extreme" dying a horrible, overused death) kinda makes sense, as doing shit like doing flips on BMX bikes and snow boarding out of airplanes, or whatever shit they did, was kind of extreme. Extreme Championship wrestling had an appropriate name, as guys jumping off balconies and using staple guns as weaponry was pretty extreme, especially considering that this wasn't very far removed from the good ol' days of "hit a guy with a chair once, and you'll receive death threats for a year" pro wrestling. G.I. Joe Extreme and Extreme Dinosaurs were both horrible cartoons that lasted a very short time, so I don't care what stupid buzz word they put on it. They could have named one of them "Extreme Proactive Paradigm Shifters, Thinking Outside the Box," and I wouldn't give much more of a rat's ass than I do today. Actually, as much a joke as that last comment was, it's still not as bad as "Tattooed Teenage Alien Fighters from Beverly Hills," which, believe it or not, was an actual show. Seriously. It was one of those Power Rangers ripoffs, except they had to put the USA Network spin on it, and the female characters all had huge tits, their battle outfits exposed their midriffs, and it seemed like they had their high beams on the whole time. It ruled.

But I digress...

The latter of those "extreme" brand names was the one that confused me the most. Extreme Boston Carver Sandwiches? How the living fuck can a sandwich be extreme? Taco Bell's "Extreme Nachos" kinda fit the "extreme" name, as they had blue chips, instead of yellow. I mean, damn... Freakin' blue chips! But these sandwiches had nothing to really make them stand out from any other kind of sandwich. I still vividly remember the voice of Keith Olbermann (former "Sportcenter" anchor and present guy who really wishes he had stayed on ESPN) announcing these new "extreme" sandwiches, and his words met my ears with the same kind of "what the hell" thoughts as his decision to move to a position at CNBC. (Or as former "Sportcenter" anchor and present zillionaire talkshow host Craig Kilborn put it, "his decision to leave television") I hate marketing executives, I hate buzz words, and I hate you. Now go mow my yard.