May 17, 2001: Martyrs are Gay

I've noticed an odd trend in pop culture. Whenever someone dies, anything bad they did is immediately forgotten, and whatever good (if any) they might have done gets blown way the hell out of proportion. In a sense, when someone dies, they become a god, regardless of whether or not they deserve such reverence. So, in my unyielding misanthropy, I shall now proceed to bash the dead. Get your hate mail typing fingers ready. I have received a small amount of negative feedback for this page, but the only thing I'll even remotely consider apologizing for is the page's title. Just so you know, the "are gay" part is a joke giving the nod to a series of songs by the grindcore band Anal Cunt, and in no way reflects any sort of homophobia. Funny thing is that no one complained about that. Aaaanyway...

Kurt Cobain had nothing to say. His lyrics were not "deep" in any way, and more often than not were just random words strung together through a heroin fog. ("Aqua sea foam shame?" What?) If not for a shotgun, Kurt would have been forgotten by now, along with all the other grunge people.

Jim Morrison was at best, a mediocre singer / songwriter, and if not for alcohol abuse, he'd just be another Greg Allman right now, doing gigs at casinos and making appearances on VH1, while people go, "hey, he used to be famous."

Andre the Giant was many things, but none of them included being a good wrestler. His finisher was a goddamn headbutt, for crying out loud. Also, he refused to sell anyone's moves or do the job for anyone. If he were wrestling today, he'd be the most hated wrestler of all the Internet smart marks, kinda like Paul Wight.

If Randy Rhodes were alive today, people would be arguing over whether Ozzy's best guitarist was Zakk Wylde or Jake E. Lee.

The Ramones sucked, and Joey Ramone had fucking stupid hair.

Fuck Princess Diana. She didn't have a hard life - She lived in a goddamn palace! People act like she did so much to help people, when all she did was auction off some dresses she wasn't wearing anymore to pay the salaries of charity executives. And all those affairs and naked paparazzi pictures didn't help things, either. Note to stupid celebrities: If photographers hound you, don't get naked in public. Dumbass.

The Grateful Dead were one of the most boring bands anyone's ever imagined, and Jerry Garcia made us all stupider for being in their band.

Nicole Brown Simpson was a coke whore.

Cliff Burton was a smelly hippie, and if he were alive, Load would have come out a few years sooner.

Frank Sinatra was a mob boss.

Richard Nixon was, in fact, a crook. Notice how everyone hated him until he was dead, then turned him into a goddamn saint? This is the kind of crap I'm talking about.

John Denver was a drunk.

Big Pun was a terrible rapper who was so fat he got winded just by talking.

Marilyn Monroe was a drug addicted slut.

Elvis Presley was a pill freak who fucked around on his wife almost nonstop. And he was fat.

John F. Kennedy Jr. served no purpose on Earth. Aside from failing the exam to become a lawyer and publishing a magazine universally hailed as "terrible," what the hell did he do? What a waste of a perfectly good airplane.

If Frank "Bruiser Brody" Goodish had behaved like a professional and jobbed to Danny Spivey like the promoters had asked, he would still be alive today. Gonzalez wasn't the only one who killed him - His own ego killed him.

Freddie Mercury looked like Dan "The Beast" Severn's wimpy little brother, and that really bothers me.

I'm sorry, but Sonny Bono, or anyone else, dying by skiing into a damn tree is just hilarious. *BONK*

Mahatma Ghandi was a rabid antisemite.

Chris Farley used more drugs in a week than most small hospitals do. It's not a tragedy; it's just the story of a dumbass who asked for it.

John Belushi - See above.