July 1, 2001: Reality TV = Oxymoron
Why can't life be like it is in Hollywood? Every time I turn the TV on or watch a movie, I see people portrayed as "normal, everyday people" living these fabulous fantasy lives that pretty much no one really has. Even the people we're supposed to perceive as having shitty, miserable, dysfunctional lives have it better that anyone I know in real life. I don't know if the studio heads are so out of touch that they think things are really like this, but it just bothers the shit out of me lately. Just what am I talking about? Let's have a look:
Roseanne: This long-running show was supposed to portray a poor, working class family struggling to make it in a suburb of Chicago. (Aside from the horrible lottery-winning based final season, of course...) Let's look at what we have here. The husband works at a motorcycle shop, which isn't exactly a six figure income. The wife started out working in a plant making plastic cutlery, and later, making loose-meat sandwiches. These people aren't exactly near the top of the income scale. Yet they're not only able to support as many as five kids, but they also OWN a huge house in a really nice neighborhood, and can afford to take vacations? What the fuck?
 In real life, she'd be filing for a restraining order |
The King of Queens: Here's another "working class hero" kind of show, but that part is actually kind of believable. The husband's job as a UPS driver pays decent money, and the wife has a pretty good job in a bank or office of some sort. (I never paid attention to that part) So I can see how they'd have a house and could afford Jerry Stiller living in their basement. But look at the two stars. Look at Kevin James. Look at Lea Remini. Look at them a few more times. As the Sesame Street classic goes, "one of these things is not like the other, one of these things doesn't belong." I'm sorry to be this cynical, but in real life, a hottie like Remini wouldn't give the time of day to a big fat hellhole like James, (And I have nothing against big, fat hellholes... I'M a big, fat hellhole...) unless he was pulling in at least 500 grand a year. And I'm pretty sure he isn't. On one hand it does give a measure hope to all of us big, fat hellholes out there, but it's false hope, so the makers of this show can kiss my ass. My big, fat hellhole of an ass.
Hackers: Have you ever watched a TV show or a movie with people who were supposed to be computer hackers in it? What did they look like? Over half the time, the hacker is portrayed as an out of work model, sporting only the hippest in hairstyles and fashions straight from the local Hot Topic, complete with all the piercings and tattoos profiled in the latest issue of Spin magazine.. They look like someone who would be shown on the cover of an album by a generic "nu metal" band. Basically, they always look like what the media deems to be the "coolest" people around. But have you ever seen a hacker in real life? If you haven't, here's a good idea of what they usually tend to look like: Have you seen the guy who owns the comic book shop on The Simpsons? Well, there you go. Fat guys with shitty beards and rooms plastered in Star Trek merchandise, who deep down, haven't come to terms with the fact that Lara Croft is just a bunch of pixels on a screen, and not a real woman, coming to sweep them off their feet any day now. The movie / TV industry just hasn't realized that the hip, trendy kids all have social lives, and the role of computer nerd is usually assumed by computer nerds, I suppose.
 Artist's rendition of how my life would be portrayed if they made a TV show about it |
The Real World: The title of this show is such an oxymoron. I'm not saying that anything is scripted, or something like that, although it's clear that the people there play up to the camera way too much. (The guy who pulled out a page of his diary where he bashes all the housemates, left it in full of view of everyone on the coffee table, then got all pissed about his privacy being invaded when they read it comes to mind...) I'm just going to ask this question: In what part of the "real world" do you get handed a free, furnished, luxury apartment in a nice neighborhood, as well as a job, just out of the blue? If that actually happens somewhere, I am so moving there.
The Beautiful People: This is kind of the same as the hacker rant. Have you noticed that almost everyone on TV or in a movie looks really good? Normally, this wouldn't bother me. But will someone tell me why they even get supermodel types to play the UGLY people, too? It always seems like the poor girl that's always getting made fun of because of her shabby looks would be the homecoming queen anywhere but in that particular high school on TV. Another thing that bothers me is the way they execute the old "ugly duckling" story. You know the one, where the aforementioned ugly, nerdy person gets their revenge on the popular, good-looking kids by getting a makeover and looking better than they do. My real problem with this is how shitty a job they do trying to make this person look like someone who would get picked on. I'm sorry: There are so many things they could do, from makeup to lighting, but all they ever do is put glasses on the person. If you put glasses on Kathy Ireland and make her carry a book around, she still looks like Kathy Ireland! This whole thing is leading up to another Simpsons reference, from an episode where Moe recalls his audition for a soap opera: