June 22, 2001: Pardon the Hell Out of Me

I find that there are a lot of things I do that seem to offend people. So here's my apology. Most of these aren't aimed at anyone in particular, but a few are. You know who you are.

Pardon me for actually slowing down when I drive from a 65mph zone to a 45.

Pardon me for not waiting for approval from other people before I buy a band's CD.

Pardon me for not thinking that it's okay for a kid to have had more sex by the age of 15 than their parents did by the age of 25.

Pardon me for not thinking that when a member of a minority has a problem or does something wrong, there must be a white guy who's to blame for it.

Pardon me for not giving a rat's ass about the lame, pseudo-Goth makeover you gave yourself after renting Strangeland.

Pardon me for thinking that Titanic was nothing more than three hours of my life that I can never get back.

Pardon me for not being overjoyed when ex girlfriends tell me about things they do with their new boyfriends or want to send me semi-nude pictures of themselves.

Pardon me for not assuming that all rich people are cold hearted, greedy people who stole their money from hard working Joe Schmoes, like me.

Pardon me for not feeling the need to stick sharp pieces of metal into my flesh to impress people.

Pardon me for only knowing the parts of my job that I need to know, and not being able to tell you the price of any random item from the back of the paper products aisle.

Pardon me for not putting forth a huge effort to be exactly like everyone else.

Pardon me for not putting someone on a pedestal, forgetting everything bad or stupid they ever did, and imagining that they were a hundred times better than they really were when they die.

Pardon me for actually wanting to have some fun with my Internet pages, rather than just making another generic, "look at me, I'm 'dark' and lonely, and I want to impress nerdy chicks" website.

Pardon me for not being able to separate sex from love, and not just going out and finding some slut to spread for me when I'm bored.

Pardon me for not poisoning myself in an attempt to have a good time.

Pardon me for not letting you cross in front of me when I got to the stop sign ten seconds before you did.

Pardon me for not giving you special treatment, just because you think you're special, and more deserving than everyone else.

Now, you've all gotten your deep, heartfelt apologies. Now eat the corn out of my shit, you fuckholes.