October 22, 2001: How to Argue Like an Idiot

I argue with a lot of idiots, and usually about the same subjects. Idiots seem to flock together in tightly-knit groups, and they all say and think the exact same things, depending on which group they belong to. Here, we shall look at some of the simple rules a few of these idiots use in discussion.

Nazis:

- Anything good or anything you like was invented by Aryan white people. And if it was clearly invented by someone that isn't white, just make something up about that particular group showing "Aryan gene markers." Anything bad or anything you don't like must have been invented by those nasty "muds."

- The definition of exactly what an "Aryan" is changes, depending on the ancestry of the Nazi arguing.

- Any clearly negative aspects or actions of Nazis or the Nazi lifestyle were made up by the mainstream Jewish media.

- When arguing your race's superiority, make no mention of Japan's test scores or the racial makeup of the average NFL or NBA roster.

- There is a vast Jewish conspiracy to destroy white people. In fact, it's so secret that not a single Jew knows about it.

- Conveniently ignore significant contributions to your life made by the "inferior mud races."

- The Holocaust never happened, although you wish it had. Those six million Jews must have just gone into hiding to work on the big conspiracy.

- Inbreeding makes the next generation more pure, making them stronger and more superior. No, really.

- When clearly proven wrong, you can do the following:

A. Say something along the lines of "well, that just shows your lack of intelligence," and don't bother to expand on why it shows their lack of intelligence. Change the subject, if possible.
B. Cite scientific or historic evidence that just happens to contradict common sense or common knowledge and just happens to have been published by other Nazis.
C. Tell the person who proved you wrong that they must have been brainwashed by the mainstream Jewish media.
D. Say nothing and go away.
E. Call them a Jew and make threats of violence.

Pop Metal Fans:

- If someone doesn't like the bands you like, they must certainly enjoy the work of Britney Spears or N-Sync.

- People who speak negatively of bands in the genre are most likely jealous. Saying "where's your band?" or "you couldn't do any better" will shut them up.

- People have no right to say negative things about musical groups. Except for ones you dislike, of course.

- Ask someone what bands they like. If they do, make fun of those bands, even if you've never heard or actually like some of them.

- Record sales equal quality.

- Your favorite band of all time is always the one who released an album most recently. The most recent single on their album is always the best, and it is always your favorite song of all time.

- Heavy metal was nothing but poofy-haired fags in spandex until Korn revolutionized the genre in 1994. "The 80s suxs."

Hard-core Political types:

- All policies suggested by the opposition party must be stopped, even if you agree with them, and think they would be beneficial. Then, after this beneficial policy gets passed, take credit for it and blame the other side for keeping it from going into effect for so long.

- "Bipartisan" means the opposing party does what you want them to. The only members of the opposition party who aren't "dangerous radicals" are the ones who always side with your party on everything.

- Having an issue to argue about and blame on the other party is more important than solving problems. Especially an issue that might strongly divide the nation.

- Approach politics with your feelings. At no time is it necessary to actually think. Protecting people's feelings is more important than national security or the economy. (Democrat)

- Approach politics with your beliefs. At no time is it necessary to actually think. Doing what Jesus would have done is more important than national security or the economy. (Republican)

- When clearly proven wrong, you can do the following:

A. Make a speech about a completely different subject, and ignore them when they point out that you've changed the subject. At that point, ignore them and continue the off-topic speech.
B. Accuse the person who proved you wrong of being racist, sexist, homophobic, etc. (Democrat) or accuse them of being a gay communist. (Republican)
C. Present scientific or historic evidence that is either too vague to actually mean anything or has had generous portions that refute your argument cut out.
D. Adopt the other side's argument and take credit for coming up with it in the first place.
E. Lie!

Modern Metallica Fans:

- Much like with the Mall Metal Fan, record sales equal quality, people who don't like Metallica must be jealous and enjoy the music of boy bands, and no one has a right to speak negatively about a musical group but you.

- That whole "Fuck MTV! We'll never make a video!" thing, as well as almost anything else ever said in an interview in the 1980s never happened. The 2001 Playboy interview where all the band members just bashed each other the whole time was mostly fabricated by the editors.

- Lyrics like "hey hey hey, here I go now" and "'scuse me while I tend to how I feel" are more deep and insightful than anything from the band's first four albums.

- The fact that maybe twelve people called them sellouts in 1984 for "Fade to Black" immediately makes all present sellout accusations invalid.

- Lars Ulrich is a really good drummer. And Megadeth totally rocks, dude.

- If you don't like Metallica, you don't like metal.

- Saying "they play what they want to play" instantly wins any argument. If anyone says something along the lines of "but why would they want to play like that," ignore them and quote some lyrics.

- When quoting Metallica lyrics to prove how big a fan you are, at no time is it necessary to actually get the words right.

- Half-assed blues chords are much more artistic and difficult to play than complex speed metal riffs.

- When they got Napster killed, they were just looking out for the poor local bands with no national exposure who can't afford to have their music distributed across the world. Lars was also simply trying to protect his art from being traded like a common consumer good. Hey, those new DVD releases of all the old albums are out now for only $29.99 each, dude!

2006 Reflections: If you're either an obsessive weirdo or one of the two people who got site CDs a while back, you might notice that I actually changed some stuff on this one, and the political part is more even-handed, as opposed to being a bunch of hippie-bashing. I think when I wrote it originally, I was in some weird misanthropic stage of my life where my personal politics sounded an awful lot like those of someone who would be on an AM radio talk show, yelling about a caller being a communist for daring to question the Administration. I think in the last few years, I've discovered that the reason that I hated the Democratic party wasn't because I had made some sort of major personal discovery about my own beliefs, so much as it was that I finally noticed them falling over the fucking edge into being a bunch of whiny socialists. I didn't move to the right; they moved to the left, and the Republicans still sucked just as bad and I should have hated them just as much as I did before I started paying attention to politics and thought the guys with the letter D after their name could do no wrong. THe bulk of America lies somewhere slightly to the right of the middle, politically. We want to blow up the bad guys and make shitloads of money, but we also could give a shit less if someone gets aborted or gay-married. As such, neither party represents most of us, and they sure as shit don't represent me. And given the choice between socialism and theocracy, yeah, I'm pretty sure we're doomed either way.