Unlike what some people might believe, and contrary to previous scientific data, Michael Jackson still exists. In fact, he just released a new album, entitled Invincible, not too long ago. You might not be aware of this, because, like the rest of the entire world, you didn't buy it. For the first time in the history of dorks with no real jobs keeping up with record sales numbers, a new Michael Jackson album is out, and it's not selling too well. Well, at least if your definition of "not selling too well" is "only selling SEVEN trillion copies, as opposed to thirty." But nevertheless, it's not doing like a Michael Jackson album usually does. There are many factors to consider when trying to figure out why this unthinkable occurrence could have, uh, occurred. First, we have to think about the music itself. As time goes on, musical tastes change, and to be honest, no one's really given two-thirds of a shit about Jackson's brand of upbeat pop music since about 1991, and as far as anyone can tell, any success Jackson has had since then has pretty much been an anomaly. Well, it's true. How many chart-topping hits has Terrence Trent D'Arby had lately? Also, let's say that people still have an open ear to Jackson's stuff, and they still want to hear Bad, Part Two. Maybe the newest Michael Jackson album wasn't up to his previous standards of excellence that I'm sure all my readers have enjoyed so much over the years. Maybe the people heard a single, didn't like it, and just didn't feel like buying it. Then, there's the image issue. Remember, most pop music fans are more into the image of an artist than they are the actual music. If that weren't true, the two fat, old, bald trolls who sang "Blame it On the Rain" would be rolling in money and underage groupies as we speak. Last time I checked, that one guy still hadn't finished mowing my yard. And let's face it, Jackson's image isn't the best shape right now. Here's the guy who got accused of trying to fuck a little kid, seemed confident that the evidence would prove him innocent, and went so far as to have the police take photos of the Wang of Pop to clear his name. And once all the data was examined, he had to pay the kid's family a million billion zillion dollars and buy them a roller coaster or a space ship, or some shit like that, to tell people he didn't try to fuck their son. Not good. Also, he's had so much badly-done plastic surgery that half his public appearances are done wearing a mask, and at this point, he only barely qualifies scientifically as a human being. Basically, Michael Jackson is the creepiest guy walking the Earth today, and creepiness doesn't sell upbeat pop CDs. It might sell keyboard-laden pseudo-goth rock, but last time I checked, Michael Jackson didn't do that sort of thing. He probably should; I bet it would be wicked cool. But that's another rant entirely. At a glance, it seems somewhat obvious why his new album isn't selling. Hell, none of us can figure out how he sold any of the last few, either. But, you see, Michael Jackson isn't subject to the same laws of logic that us non-plastic people are. You see, there's absolutely no way in hell that a hip, cool guy like Michael Jackson could ever have a sales slump... Unless some evil forces were working against him... Evil forces of *insert ominous music* RACISM. Think about that for a second. Michael Jackson... Says his record isn't selling because he's black the recording industry is racist. Michael Jackson... Victim of racism. Michael "All my loveless sham marriages for publicity are with white women" Jackson. Victim of racism. Uh huh. We believe you, just like we believe you never tried to suck Macaulay Culkin's dick, Mike. Jackson also went on to bitch about artists not getting enough of the royalties from their recordings, but before he could elaborate on his position, he paused to take a call on his solid gold cell phone from his accountant, and was overheard saying, "well, if there's seagull crap on the deck, you better just burn the whole yacht," before laughing maniacally, wiping his ass with an original copy of the Declaration of Independence, and having three members of the press corps killed by the Yakuza, because one of them "looked at me cross eyed." Jackson claimed his problems with the industry's racism started after he released Thriller in 1982, where he was subjected to such torturous mistreatments as being paid hundreds of millions of dollars and becoming a beloved icon throughout the entire world. What gets me about all this is that all of a sudden, after years of distancing himself from anything even remotely black, Michael Jackson is trying to come off like some disenfranchised, downtrodden black man. Well, for starters, let's have a look at these two pictures.
Okay. On the left is Michael Jackson. On the right is some Klan dude I found on the internet. Let's compare skin tone:
Michael Jackson is whiter than the motherfucking Ku Klux Klan. Okay, maybe that's nitpicky. Of course, he does have that skin disease that causes him to smear bright white makeup all over his face, straighten his hair, and get his lips and nose chopped off, to remove any even remotely black features from his body. Certainly a proud African American. </sarcasm> And now, here this fucker is, trying to pull the race card from a race he clearly doesn't want to belong to. The really sad thing is that a lot of people are going to buy into this, and the skinny white woman known to some as Michael Jackson is going to be unjustly hailed as some sort of leader of the black community. The funny part? People still aren't going to buy the CD. |
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