As some of us who pay close attention to the news on a regular basis know, George Dubbya Junior is a pretty popular president right now. You know, the whole thing where he parachuted into Afghanistan and totally killed a bunch of terrorists with his bare hands, or something like that. I heard there was a lot of blood and he just flipped out and totally chopped off this guy's head and then totally wailed on a huge guitar, and it was totally sweet. But that's another rant entirely. Also, since Tony Blair was like the only other president in the world who wasn't rooting for Sammy Ben Laughlin, or whatever the guy's name was, he's real popular in Brittania, or whatever that country is called, right now, too.

So anyway, there's this British guy who used to have a music career in like 1989, but lately, he's been selling tires out his dad's garage, or something. You know, that George Michael guy. So this guy puts out this music video, and no one can remember what the name of the song or the album is, because no one has ever bought it, and they only know about the video because it was on the news, which I pay close attention to on a regular basis. Anyway, the whole video has all this "artistic imagery" type stuff in it, and it's all critical or George Dubbya's war on Sammy Ben Laughlin and Murray Omar, and the news guy said it implies that Tony Blair is George's lapdog, which probably means his doggystyle bitch, or something like that. I'm not hip to the tubular lingo that you mondo kids use these days. Gnarly. Anyway, a lot of people are upset about the video, because they really like George and Tony. Or so the evil media would have us believe.

You see, George Michael isn't like the burly mountain men of metal who make up the ten people that visit this website. George Michael likes guys. And not in a "hey Steve, you ol' sonovabitch, lemme get you a beer," way. More like a "Hey Steve you ol' sonovabitch, lemme give you HOT GAY SEX" way. Not that there's anything wrong with that, though. Anywho, as all of us who pay close attention to the news on a regular basis know, gay guys are a minority. And of course, no member of a minority can ever be criticized without it really being an attack on the kind of minority type person they are. So obviously, Michael making fun of two popular guys isn't causing an uproar, because they're two popular guys, and he's making fun of them. What kind of idiot would think something like that? No, kids. People are upset that he's making fun of people they really like because he's gay.

But of course, some right-wing, racist, Nazi, hateful, sexist, baby-stomping homophobes would have you believe differently. Some of them actually have the audacity to believe that people could get pissed about an insulting music video, just because it's an insulting music video. Seriously. Why, some would even say that if the same video had been made by Billy Bob Thornton right as he was in the middle of the act of penetrating Angelina Jolie, people STILL would have been pissed at him. When Jolie was reached for comment, she said "No comment," when asked about the George Michael issue, but then announced she was about to divorce Thornton and "go shack up with the first guy I find who runs a really rocking, yet somewhat unpopular website," and that "preferably, it would include a section on legenday Arizona thrash band, Sacred Reich." When reached for comment, Web Surf Nicaragua webmaster Beren Lucas Brocato kind of wrung his hands and went "Heee-hehehehehehehehehe," before speeding off in his bad ass 1977 Datsun. We'll have more on that story as it develops, but now, back to the story already in progress.

In a major coup, we were able to score an interview with Michael himself, to comment on the video, and tell his side of the story.

WSN: Thank you for joining us, Mr. Michael.
GM: Why, thank you very much for the opportunity to express my side of this whole issue.
WSN: So, first of all, just why do you think that people have been so put off by the content of this music video?
GM: Well, I truly believe they're threatened by my homosexuality, and -
WSN: Your what!?
GM: My homosexuality. I feel that -
WSN: Ah! Dude! That's fucked up!
GM: Huh?
WSN: Ahhh! He breathed on me! I've got the AIDS! Arrrrggghhhh!!!
GM: What the hell is this guy's problem!?
WSN: Arrgghh! I'm gonna die! I've got the AIDS! Everyone get back! Don't let me infect you too! Don't look at me! Don't look at me! I'm alllreeeaddy deeeeaaaaaaad!!!!!!!!

After a lengthy apology and the firing of the staff member who conducted the above interview, we were able to secure another interview with the gracious Mr. Michael, with a different staff member we felt would be more comfortable in the situation. A transcript follows:

WSN: I'm truly sorry about the actions of my former colleague, and I certainly hope this interview goes a lot better.
GM: (laughs) Oh, I'm certain it can't get much worse.
WSN: (laughs) Well, you're certainly right about that. So, on to my first question.
GM: Fire away.
WSN: Do I make you horny?
GM: Uhhh... What?
WSN: Oh, come on, baby. Do I? Do I make you randy, baby?
GM: Uhhhh... What the hell is wrong with you?
WSN: Oh, playing hard to get, are we?
GM: Hey, don't touch me!
WSN: Grrr, baby! Very grr!
GM: DUDE, WHAT THE FUCK!!?

It's been three days since that interview was conducted, and Michael still hasn't returned any of our calls. We feel it is obvious that he is simply dodging the issue.

Summing things up: People like George Bush. People like Tony Blair. Some of those people get offended when someone attacks people they like. And most of them probably don't even remember who George Michael is. Get over yourself, George. And if Angelina Jolie is reading this, I'll be free Thursday.