October 25, 2002: Misanthropic Sports-Related Hate Rant

Fuck the NBA. And fuck how every team has a completely different roster every six months. The Lakers were my favorite team, dating back to when I was like seven, but when they won a bunch of championships, I didn't care, because they did it with a bunch of guys from the Hornets and Magic. Fuck the Lakers. The only reason they've dominated is because every other team is so bad. Every kid grows up wanting so bad to dunk and talk shit that no one plays defense or shoots anymore. Fuck the kids. Yours, especially.

Fuck baseball. If it were any slower, it would be farming. You sit there for like four hours to watch a game, and like three hours and thirty minutes of that is spent watching the pitcher wave off signs and scratch his nuts. There's no room for anything exciting to happen in baseball, because the game is too damn structured, and the two or three things that are potentially exciting that can happen have all been done to death in the last 140 years. There are no trick plays in baseball. Unless you count bunting as a trick play, but bunting is just fucking gay. Fuck that. Home runs? Fuck home runs. 25 home runs used to be a pretty decent year. Now, it's gotten to the point where if a guy doesn't hit 40 home runs, he's considered a failure, and only gets like 17 million a year. Why? Because every goddamn player is on steroids. Fuck steroids. Of all the major sports, (unless you consider golf to be a major sport, and if so, fuck you) baseball takes the least amount of athletic ability to be good at, so it's not even goddamn necessary. Yet the motherfuckers in baseball take so many steroids that Lyle Alzado and Triple H would look at them and go, "damn, dude, slow down." And fuck Triple H. Gonzo-nosed motherfucker. And while I'm at it, fuck intellectual types who read way too goddamn much into a baseball game. Don't feed me some shit about how the foul pole is an allegory for man's struggle against his inner demons, and that by hitting the foul pole, he strikes a blow into the heart of these demons and gets to move on with his life, thus it being counted as a fair ball. Baseball is a metaphor for hitting balls with sticks and running in a diamond-shaped circle. Cunt.

Fuck golf. And fuck the way golf TV coverage never shows anyone other than Tiger Woods. You'll hear the announcer say something like, "oh, by the way, we've just been informed that Vijay Singh has just hit a par-five hole in one to bring his lead to nineteen strokes," while they're showing Woods gathering his shit and walking to the next hole. Fuck Tiger Woods. And fuck his teeth, too. They disturb me. I don't know why.

Football is nice. I like football. But fuck Bernard Robertson. Right up his "I can't go three plays without getting flagged for holding or a false start" ass.

Fuck auto racing. I'm sure it's intense as hell to be the guy driving, but watching from a distance is a lot like watching A BUNCH OF CARS GOING IN A CIRCLE FOR SEVERAL HOURS.

Fuck kickboxing. Bunch of pussies. In regular boxing, the kind where you can't use your feet, two guys will be all pounding each other in the head for twelve rounds, and it doesn't end until time runs out or one of the guys is too fucked up to stand up straight. A guy can get knocked down like five times in a fight, and if he can still at least pretend to defend himself, he'll keep fighting. Bad motherfuckers, right? Well, in kickboxing, it's mostly just the two guys throwing punches and really slow, half-assed kicks that get nothing but air. And when the guy whiffs on a kick, he'll spin around in a complete circle, and the other motherfucker stands there and lets him do it, instead of just pummeling the ballerina motherfucker in the back of the head. Then, when a guy even grazes another guy's cheek one time with the tip of his elbow, the referee freaks out and stops the fight, while the paramedics rush in to save the other guy from maybe having a red mark on his nose. I don't think the fighters are pussies, so much as the referees are. Still, if I was a kickboxer and they stopped my fight for barely getting tapped, I would beat the referee's ass, because I knew karate. So yeah, kickboxers are pussies.

I love sports.