January 19, 2008: Let's Talk About Dinosaurs
Recently, I realized that this website had lost sight of what its original intent was: The exploration and frank discussion of things that are totally rad. So in a last-ditch effort to right the ship and steer away from this whole thing melting down into "hey guys, here is a YouTube video of a cat, and here's a blog entry about how I hurt myself today" degradation, I have decided to go back to my roots and discuss some rad shit with you. I am speaking of course of the raddest shit of all rad shits: Dinosaurs. A childhood fascination of mine, which has been rekindled by randomly reading through Wikipedia stuff, dinosaurs are clearly the raddest of all the Earth's many creatures. So in the name of science, I'd just like to share a few random facts you might not have known. Granted, some of this is kind of basic stuff on some level, but I'm assuming that most people lose touch with the part of their soul that craves dinosaurs somewhere around the age of nine, so it might be new stuff to them. Anyway, let's begin:
 Pictured here: A damnable lie. |
FACT: The dinosaur you've always known as Brontosaurus never actually existed. Seriously. It's one of the most basic dinosaurs in any book you read in the elementary school library, but one way or another, it was always never anything more than either an honest mistake or an outright lie. You see in 1903, someone finally figured out that the dinosaurs Apatosaurus ajax and Brontosaurus ecxelsus were actually the same dinosaur, with the Brontosaurus being an adult of the previously-found species and having had missing bones replaced with an incorrect tail and the more bulky, rounded head of a Camarasaurus. You see, in reality, the thing had a longer, kinda horse-looking head. Anyway, things got straightened out, and since Apatosaurus came first, that became the official name, with Brontosaurus becoming just a synonym. (Which isn't that uncommon - Hell, I think the Edmontosaurus has like eight million different names) But somehow, the original image was such as hit that the original round-headed look stuck around, and you can see still see it to this day in some places. I think the lesson here is to never trust big oil or The Flintstones.
And on a similar note:
FACT: If you follow the original rules of science, Tyrannosaurus rex shouldn't even be its real name. Once again, this one goes under the "once you find out two dinosaurs are the same, you go with the name of the one someone found first" rule. You see, wayyyy back in ancient times, (1892) someone found a dinosaur they called Manospondylus gigas. Then, later - wayyyyyy later (2000) - someone poked around and figured out that it was the same thing as a T-Rex. But the world as we know it lucked the hell out, because in January of that year, a bunch of official rules were changed that basically said if the name hadn't been used for something since 1899, it goes down as a "forgotten name," and the one everyone uses keeps right on getting used. Of course, what really happened, is that the astute Men of Science, using their scientific powers of future sight, foresaw the kind of shitstorm that would erupt if you changed the name of the Best Dinosaur, Ever and figured that it would dwarf the shitstorms that erupted when the Browns moved to Baltimore or when Metallica became glam-rockers. So they just sort of swept it under the rug, to prevent a societal and economic catastrophe the likes of which the world has never seen. Of course, that's all some bullshit I made up just now, but the Manospondylus / rule-changing thing is true.
Of course, it gets better, because it turns out that if the dude who did the original discovery hadn't ordered some pages wrong, the damn thing would have been called Dynamosaurus, anyway. Granted, it's still a semi-rad name and not as much of a mouthful as Manospondylus, but I think we all benefited from the screw-ups of a bunch of dudes smarter than us in the end.
FACT: The Velociraptors everyone loved so much in Jurassic Park were pretty damn close to just being made up for the movie. There's so much to go on about here. First of all, a Velociraptor mongoliensis was about the size of a turkey, and wasn't the man-sized animal you see in the flick. Second, the head was shaped pretty much nothing like the almost T-Rex like noggins those Hollywood things have, and its become pretty well accepted that the real deal had feathers, which are nowhere to be found in the movie. Also, there's never really been any evidence of that particular dinosaur hunting in packs, either. The funny part? Aside from the thing about the missing feathers, the Velociraptors in the movie were damn near exact replicas of another dinosaur, Deinonychus, right down to the pack-hunting and exaggerated claw they liked to point out so much. So why didn't they just call it that? Easy. There's no way to shorten Deinonychus into something as sleek, sexy, and marketable as "raptor." Seriously, could you see anyone going to a basketball game played by the Toronto Nychuses?
 Spiiiinosaurus, takes me awaaayy to where I've always hearrrrd it could be... |
FACT: Despite everything the books you read as a kid told you, the T-Rex wasn't the biggest meat-eating dinosaur. And yes, it was heartbreaking for me to find this out. Of course, it's not like this is a huge secret anymore; it seems like every time someone in a position to make something entertainment-based finds out about a bigger one, that's what becomes the "bad guy" for whatever they're doing that happens to be based on giant-ass reptiles. For example, there's the Spinosaurus in the third Jurassic Park movie, and I think some video game I never played used Giganotosaurus. But yeah, there's quite a few of them that are making the rounds, including the group called carcharodontosaurids, which are pretty much all bigger. However, we cannot forget one vital truth:
FACT: Despite not being the biggest meat-eating dinosaur, Tyrannosaurus rex was still the RADDEST FUCKING ANIMAL THAT EVER LIVED. Spinosaurus? What the hell is that? It's got a freaking SAIL on its back! How am I supposed to be terrorized by something that can be knocked over by wind? I think Christopher Cross-o-saurus would be a more appropriate name. Bitch-ass steroid-fed Dimetrodon. However, I will concede that the carcharodontosaurid dinosaur Tyrannotitan probably does beat the T-Rex in the "raddest name" contest, with Sauroposeidon coming in at a close third. Aside from that, now and forever, in all facets of the game, T-Rex wins at everything, ever. Don't let anyone ever tell you differently.
And finally:
FACT: Despite everything you've probably ever heard, dinosaurs never went completely extinct. For reals, yo. There are dinosaurs still around today. You've heard of them, you've seen them, you've been around them, hell, chances are pretty good that you've even eaten a few. Now what fearsome creatures am I talking about, exactly?
Are you freaking out yet, America? Have I blown your minds? Well, look it up, bitches. And from now on, never trust a bird, because one would eat you alive and stomp on your house just as soon as look at you. And they're everywhere. They're in your city, your state, your yard - You might even have one inside your home right now. So we'll probably just have to come to terms with the fact that this battle is already lost. I, for one, look forward to serving my new warm-blooded reptilian masters, as my Petsmart knowledge and previous Cockatiel experience leaves me well-qualified to provide them with the necessary seed and gravel, and I should have a place of importance in their New Order. The rest of youse are on your own.
So suck on it, bitches. Dinosaurs rule.