March 4, 2004: A Journey Into the Dark Heart of Spam

First, we start on a serious note:

From: john@websurfnicaragua.com
Subject: Don't be late!                                              ooeozbez

Will meet tonight as we agreed, because on Wednesday I don't think I'll make it,

so don't be late. And yes, by the way here is the file you asked for.
It's all written there. See you.

ooeozbez

I'm not sure where this one keeps coming from, but I get at least two or three copies of it daily. My guess is it's one of those things that sends out to everyone in somebody's address book, or something else along those lines. Anyway, the obvious warning signs are all there. The weird random letters, the guy I've never heard of telling me I'm meeting him tonight, the suspicious, vaguely described mystery file, etc. Not to mention that the email is supposed to have been sent from an email account on a website I own, but that I never set up. And of course, to tell me what I already knew, a quick scan of "readnow.zip," and BINGO~!

Nice try. At least this guy didn't do the old trick where he says "here's the file you asked for!" and the file you get is named something like "picture1.jpg.gif.mpg.exe.zip.bat.com." Sad thing is, a ton of people out there would have fallen for that. Including the computer of whoever keeps sending this, probably. Oh well.

But now, COMEDY~!

From: Ferdinand Hale
Subject: phraseology

Hi,

Genierc and Super Viarga (Caiils) available online!
Most trusted online source!

Cilais or (Spuer Vagira)
takes affect right away & lasts 24-36 hours!
FOR SUEPR VAIRGA CILCK HERE

Genierc Virgaa
costs 60% less! save a lot of $.
FOR VIGARA CILCK HERE

Both products shipped discretely to your door

Not intreseted

This one was rather interesting, as our old friend Ferdinand managed to spell "phraseology" correct, but then DID NOT CORRECTLY SPELL ANOTHER SINGLE FUCKING WORD. Fuck. Actually, I think this is some sort of scheme for spam emails to get past spam filters by misspelling all the trigger words like "Viagra." But then again, why misspell "super" and "interested," too? Why should I put my money and my good faith in the hands of a non-spelling madman? Christ, "Ferdinand Hale" is like some sort of super arch-villain name, anyway. So here, I'm supposed to trust a stupid arch villain - not just an arch-villain, but a STUPID one - to give me pills that affect my DICK!? No way, man!

From: Erica McFadden
Subject: beef up the size of your johns0n! ze kdagyix

Rather than copying and pasting this email, I'm just going to show you a snapshot of what I recieved.

As you can clearly see, there's an image placeholder where something was supposed to load that didn't. I honestly have no idea what was supposed to show up there, but with alt text that says, "NaturalGain WILL ENLARGE YOUR PENIS 3+ INCHES," I'm pretty damn sure I don't want to see what that picture was supposed to be. At least with this email, though, they picked a better name to send it under. If someone wants to email me about making my dick bigger or harder, (which is a tall order, I assure you) I'd be more likely to listen to someone with a name like Erica than a dirty old super arch-villain named Ferdinand.

From: TheBulldogFinder.com
Subject: Introducing the Bulldogfinder.com

Greetings!
We would like to invite you to view TheBulldogFinder.com! We are currently listed in the top rankings of both Google and Overture, which produce the search results for major search engines such as Yahoo, MSN and many more! TheBulldogFinder.com is based on just 3 breeds of puppies; English Bulldogs, French Bulldogs and American Bulldogs. We have focused all of the marketing efforts solely on these breeds which results in highly targeted traffic to the site ... people looking to own a Bulldog!
Thank you for your time! We look forward to servicing you and your Bully babies!
Sincerely,
The Bulldog Finder
TheBulldogFinder.com

This has to be the absolute most random fucking email ever sent in the history of the internet. I can understand why the usual spam gets out, because on some level, everyone's interested in owning a home, getting their credit straight, or having a gigantic wang in their life one way or another. But to just look at my website, read my writings, and think to one's self, "now this sounds like a man who could use some help finding a proper bulldog," well, that's just... just... beautiful, man. Things like this are why I don't just give up and throw my internet machine out in the dumpster, to rot alongside the beer bottles and unsold VHS copies of "How High." That and internet piracy. Music piracy, movie piracy, comic book piracy, software piracy. Lots and lots of piracy. You can get anything for free, illegally, on the internet these days, and it's only going to get worse until they stop using the term "piracy" to describe it. Because you're downloading something you shouldn't, and a mental picture of Tom Ridge pops up telling you that it's an act of piracy, and all you can think is, like, "fuck yeah, I'm a pirate! Avast ye, matey!" So if they want this trend to stop, they need to come up with a better term that doesn't put such a roughneck, outlaw edge on downloading a DVD rip of "Shakes the Clown." Like, instead of "internet piracy," they could come up with some term relating to something no one would ever want to be involved with, like calling it "internet shit-eating," or "internet anal leakage," or something equally crappy. Like if you're downloading the Shakes DVD and the mental picture of Tom Ridge pops up and says "You're being an internet Trapt Fan, dickhead" then, you're going to all like, "man, I better not do this. Fuck Trapt." And that's how you get everyone on the internet to straighten up, fly right, get the power-up, and win the game.
But that's another rant entirely.
Man, I wish I could afford a bulldog.

From: Georgewbush.com
Subject: Will you be the difference?

It is the year 2000. In the presidential campaign...

New Mexico hinges on 366 votes, Florida on only 537 votes.
Iowa is won by 4144 votes, Wisconsin by 5708 votes.
Oregon is decided by 6765 votes, New Hampshire by 7211 votes.

In the closest presidential election in modern history, 24,731 people in a nation of 280 million make the difference for 59 electoral votes. An incredible statistic when you consider just 4 electoral votes meant the difference between a President Bush and a President Gore.

The year is 2004. Another presidential campaign is here...

Will you be one of the people who makes a difference this time?

Maybe. If you choose to act today.

President Bush not only needs your vote, he needs your help. You can do two things...

(1) Join up as a Bush Volunteer by simply clicking the sign up button below or going here:

http://www.GeorgeWBush.com/Signup

(2) Forward this email to friends and family who want to help the President.

Be the difference and receive an email on November 3 that says, "President George W. Bush would like to thank you for helping him win a second term."

Look, man. I know the economy's recovering, and I liked the way he bitch-slapped the Middle East in general, but goddammit, if you want me to vote for Bush and get others to do so, you need to promise me better freaking prizes. I mean, shit. I shift the outcome of the biggest election there is to this guy, and all I get is one fucking email? And it's not even one that says, "I would like to thank you, blah, blah," making me think I just got an email from the President and therefore meaning I'm officially hot shit? And dammit, YOU ALREADY TOLD ME WHAT'S GOING TO BE IN THE EMAIL! If I wanted to, I could just write that email to myself and make my email name-thingy say "George Bush," and god damn, I've already won, and I don't have to wait till November. Of for that matter, I could just write myself the following email:

From: Angelina Jolie
Subject: (no subject)

Thank you for the hours upon hours of hot anal sex last night and every night thereafter from now on. I will now be forwarding my bank account numbers, and you may do with them as you wish.

XOXOXOXO
~Angelina

Holy shit. That ruled. I should keep doing that. Lemme see here:

From: New Chicago Bears Head Coach Lovie Smith
Subject: thanks man

Hey man, just wanted to say thanks for quarterbacking the team to an undefeated season and our seventeenth straight Super Bowl victory. The paperwork for your early entry into the Pro Football Hall of Fame is already on the way there, and the check with your 1.7 billion dollar signing bonus should be there soon. Also, congratulations on tapping that hot piece of ass, Angelina Jolie.

Cheers, bro.

Oh man. I better stop doing this, before I just quit my job and write myself emails all day. But I think you see my point. If your only reward is going to be an email, you need to make it a GOOD email. And you shouldn't be that worried about the election anyway, heh. The Republican secret weapon, Ralph Nader, just tossed his hat in. He won it for you last time, remember? </rubbing salt in the wounds of goddamn hippies>

From: Chocolate Lovers
Subject: Do you like Chocolate?

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SHOCKING TRUTH!

Chocolate consumption can increase income!

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"I can't believe Im making an extra $400 a week. . .thanks to chocolate!!"

Across the United States, people just like Sandra are waking up to more money. . .all thanks to chocolate.

"When I first found out about this, I thought, 'Yeah, right!" Sandra explained. "But it really happened! Each week I cash my checks in total disbelief. . .it still hasnt sunk in that this is real."

Sandra, like thousands of other people, found out about. . .

Read the rest of this article by clicking below:
http://rpols.com/cgi/o.cgi?o=mch

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Meditay LLC c/o ERC
180 South 300 West, Suite 318
Salt Lake City, UT 84111

Basically, this is a link where they'll pay you $400 to eat chcolate for ten days and lose weight. Sounds crazy, but I went ahead and tried it. Here were the fabulous results:

Hell yeah. Hands off the merchandise, ladies.

From: Noelle Mckenna
Subject: -Transform yourself into a seks machine

PGJyPjxicj4NCjxjZW50ZXI+PGEgaHJlZj0iaHR0cDovL3d3dy4xMmhlbi5pbmZvL2FscGhh Lz9idXN0ZXIiPlRoaXMgZmFudGFzdGljIHN1cHBsZW1lbnQ8YnI+aGFzIG1hZGUgbWFsZSAg c3RhcnMgZmFtb3VzPGJyPiBDbGljayBoZXJlPC9hPjxicj48YnI+PGJyPg0KDQo8YnI+ZWR1 Y2F0ZWQ8YnI+DQpuZW9waHl0ZTxicj4NCjxicj4NCg0KPGEgaHJlZj0iaHR0cDovL3d3dy4x Mmhlbi5pbmZvL3BoZXIvby5odG1sIj5Ob3QgaW50ZXJlc3RlZDxicj4gUGxlYXNlIENsaWNr IGhlcmU8L2E+PC9GT05UPjwvY2VudGVyPg0KPGJyPg0KPGJyPmhhaXIgc3R5bGUNCg0KDQoN Cg== g

I'm sold!