A word to the wise: If you ever make any sort of website, don't put your email address on it, at least not in text. Those programs spam dickheads use to troll the net for email addresses can figure anything out, so just not making it a clickable link, separating the username and server from the "@" thingy, or disguising it with ASCII codes won't keep you from getting on all the spam lists. Want proof?

One thousand, two hundred sixty unread spam emails. That's just the unread ones, meaning there's actually more than that. I haven't emptied the "deleted items" folder since I got this computer, so that's over a thousand spams in about a month. Roughly a little over 40 per day. Yeah. Now you know why I abandoned the la-parka email address and went with Anyway, since I love having you fucks laugh at my pain, here's a look at some of the more amusing pieces of spam I've gotten over the last month.

Oh come on now. Everyone knows the proper plural form of tooth is "toofuses."

From: Cook Sophia
Subject: You Need This to Impressive the Ladies

A ashman is hypothetic thou but alsatian what washburn, bucharest not microbial.
When humerus equable, mar agate is not seem tapir but a ship tootle binghamton arises mortise abolition in conducive, asterisk and beethoven. Would you mawkisho'dwyer?
No, bayou amongst avis is predictor a diagnostician and weight osteopathy.

nah

The pearl is in the river.

Wait, wait, wait, WHAT!? Who is Douglas? Have you been cheating on me, you dirty email bitch?

Hmm. If I could find where these people are, I'd have damn near six million dollars. The internet is both fun and profitable.

Hey, don't laugh. I tried this product, and it really worked:

Is cervix in danger?

Yeah, sounds good, but there's no way I'll be able to get all that car wax off the hood of his limo in the allotted amount of time to get it.

"Trust me, kid. You're in the United States of America now. Your name's not Enrique; it's Ricky."

Yes. Nothing says "power and respect" like a fake watch. "Say, Bob, nice Folex. I respect your power."

From: Rosa
Subject: Large Natural Erection

A new era of online medical care.

Patience is the companion of wisdom.      
You can't legislate against rumor.       
Winning isn't everything, it is the only thing.   

This is odd. Usuallyt, I cut out the part of the email with the link before I paste it here, but this was the entire email, with no links or sales pitches at all. Maybe this is just an email from someone named Rosa who wants to inspire me to go on to greater things, like... large, natural erections.

The internet is evil.

Well, yeah, I suppose that could be useful...

Hmm. I'm listening...

Huh, working instantly is always a good thing I suppose...

Say, this doesn't sound like too bad a product after all. Wonder if there are any side effects?

AHHHHHHHHH, HOLY FUCK!

Then, there's this:

(click to see a larger version)

Yup. Sexy Christian Singles. When I look at that picture, all I can think of is how great Jesus is. I never thought that I'd be recieving full-blown blasphemy via Outlook Express.