Come for the violence... STAY FOR THE PIE!

Just got bored and poked around the Wayback Machine for a while, and found some crap that's neat to me, but not to anyone else, but this is my site, so I'm putting it up here. Here's some old images and updates from older versions of Web Surf Nicaragua. Any comments of a current nature are in yellow italics.

Here's the image from the index page from May 5, 2002, shortly after I started paying money for the site, because I figured I would update it a lot more than I ended up doing. I celebrated the occasion by showing a hippie that's recently gotten the shit kicked out of him, which may or may not have led to an angel getting its wings. My other idea for the introductory image of the relaunched Web Surf Nicaragua was the picture of the Arab protestor guy who set himself on fire burning an American flag, with the caption "ON FIRE WITH ROCK 'N ROLL." Looking back, I should have used it. In the meantime, here's the updates from the page clicking that picture led me to:

May 5, 2002 - Well here it is, kids. Moved to a new home, free of advertisements or bandwidth-overuse downtime, slightly stripped of dead weight, but still on fire with rock and roll. Welcome back to October, 1998. Five Input Dot Com is dead, long live Web Surf Nicaragua. For those of you not old school enough to know, this was the site's original title before sometime in 2000. A lot of stuff has changed, though; Mr. T is no longer a major part of the site, and even the Sacred Reich guy from the cover of Surf Nicaragua isn't popping up everywhere. The mian theme of my site has always been "screw themes," and to drill the point in, the dominant themes of Sacred Reich Monsters, La Parka, or #5 billiard balls has been scrapped, in exchange for a basic "random shit" philosophy. (Although you shouldn't count out the occasional La Parka appearance) Speaking of Random Shit, we've got a few updates there, as well as a major overhaul of the Screwed Up Video Games page, and just general redoing of everything. Just go look around.

Today's Random Thought: On this tape of New Japan Pro Wrestling crap I got, there's this one breath mint commercial, and someday, I'm gonna move to Japan and have illegitemate children with the chick from it. Have a nice day.

In case you forgot, Fiveinput.com was the site's address for a year, when I used the NameZero service to get a free domain name redirect for the old Tripod site. I don't remember exactly what the inside joke was that led to that name being used, but I'm pretty sure it was horribly filthy, one way or another. Not sure why I didn't throw up a picture back in 2002, but in case you were wondering, here's the breath mint commercial chick:

June 27, 2002 - Well, there's no actual update this time around, but I figured I better pop by and let you know I'm not dead. A few days after the last update, my computer was overtaken by renegade electrons who play by their own rules, and it exploded in a big, gnarly fireball, or something. Anyway, I had to get a new computer. Whee. Windows XP is sucking so far, as from what I can tell, no piece of hardware and no program ever made is compatible with the piece of shit. Wish me luck in hunting down updated drivers, kiddies. If you know anything about a Brooktree Video Capture driver for Windows XP, feel free to drop me a line, heh.

Wow. Kinda sad to read this now, as hard drive, motherboard, and RAM failures led me to scrap that HP for the Dell I'm currently paying out the ass for. And in another stroke of weirdness, earlier today (August 18 right now; no telling when this page will actually get put on the site) I had to hunt down those very same Brooktree drivers for my capture card. Eery.

July 16, 2002 - God damn, it's an actual update. Three goddamn new pieces of Random Shit. One's a really screwed-up dream I had, and the others are a two-part expose on dumbass musicians who blame everyone but themselves for the crappy state of affairs they're in. It's all sure to offend at least three or four really wussy people somewhere in the world.

Today's Random Thought: I'm going to be 22 tomorrow. You should all send me goddamn presents, kid.

Wow. I'm so old. I don't think that weird dream Random Shit is on the site anymore. I oughtta go find it.

1. Turbonegro - "Prince of the Rodeo"
2. Sick of it All - "Step Down"
3. Ben and Garry's - "Lobster Magnet"
4. Only Living Witness - "Some Will Never Know"
5. All Japan Women's Wrestling - "Bull Nakano"
6. Anthrax - "Be All, End All"
7. Suicidal Tendencies - "Go'n Breakdown"
8. M.O.D. - "Just Got Fired"
9. Diamond Head - "Helpless"
10. Honkeyball - "El Diablo"

Good to see that even now in 2005, my taste in music sucks as bad as it did in 2002.

Note the subtle inclusion of the Slayer logo on the podium. I'm retarded, probably. I tried to throw Bob Sapp into the crowd somewhere, but it didn't come out very well. I think he's the brown object obscured by the border over on the right.

Here's the disclaimer that used to come with the site, in tiny print, since it was long enough to warrant its own page at the time:

DISCLAIMER, ETC.

(Basically, just shutting your dumb ass up before you email me with something I've heard before)

1. FIRST AND FOREMOST: DO NOT enter this site if you don't possess what we humans call a "sense of humor." And in case you don't know what one of those is, it's simple. Contrary to popular belief, having a sense of humor doesn't mean you find everything funny. It means that you can sense humor, or tell when someone is joking, fucking around, being a dumbass, etc. Unless you're a weirdo like me, there's a fairly good chance that there's something in this site somewhere that could offend you, piss you off, or just disturb you on some other level, and if you take everything completely seriously, proceeding past this point probably isn't a good idea. If you do choose to continue, remember this: On some level, everything in here is a joke. Even the serious parts have random jokes thrown in or are worded in a way that I thought was kinda goofy. This website is filled to the brim with sarcasm, humorous exaggerations, and other stuff like that which would make me look really fucked up if you're a person who takes everything seriously, but I can assure you, when I say we should destroy Japan based on a Japanese company making a screwed-up video game, get this - I'm not being serious. Summing up, grow a sense of humor, learn to detect sarcasm, and don't take this seriously, because I sure as hell don't. It's just words on a screen, and remember that before you type out an angry email.

2. This site contains a ton of foul language, because for some strange reason, I become a total potty-mouth when I'm communicating through text. Don't let it bother you. It's just a bunch of motherfucking words, you goddamn shit-sucking, cock-smoking rimjobbers. Beeyotch.

3. I'm an unusual bastard, so there's probably a few opinions expressed herein that will get you all pissed off. Basically, if you're a hippie, a hardcore Christian, a Nazi, a "nü-metal" fan, or Tiger Jeet Singh, you might get your feathers ruffled a few times here. Just remember: Not everyone agrees with you, and if they did, the world would be a really fucking boring place. Also, it would be a repressed, ignorant welfare state full of boring music, no property rights, nothing but white people, and shitty wrestling, you fucking Jesus-commie-racist-Korn-listening-sword-wielding freak motherfuckers.
Here's a few simple guidelines to illustrate this point. If you fall under any of the following and can't stand when someone has a different opinion, you should probably leave:

You think heavy metal is "the devil's music."
You think Linkin Park are the GODS of heavy metal.
You voted for Al Gore.
You voted for Ralph Nader.
You voted for George Bush and didn't wish there was a "none of the above" option while doing it.
You rent wrestling videos and fast-forward through the matches to see the backstage segments.
You think "God said it, and I believe it" is the be-all, end-all for religious discussion.
You believe there's actually such a thing as "too much freedom."
U thinck this iz tha propper way 2 use grammer an speling.
You think vampires are real.
You honestly think you're really a vampire.
You see people who think that they're really vampires, and don't at least entertain the thought of slapping the shit out of them.
You believe "fair" and "equal" are synonyms.
You actually find Dawn Marie or Terri Runnels the least bit attractive. Ew.
You think racism is acceptable in any form, even when it's against those nasty white people.
You believe God "made Adam and Eve, not Adam and Steve," but never question the actions of a guy who supposedly created an entire species through thousands of years of inbreeding.
You're a raver. Fuck you.
You consider squatting to be a form of "political activism," rather than a form of "being broke off my ass," like all the other bums do.
You drive an economy car with a bigass spoiler and/or speakers that take up the entire back seat.
Your idea of "social justice" is special treatment for people who screwed up their own lives at the expense of people who actually tried to make something of themselves.
You think "Metallica will always be the best, no matter what they do!"

4. If you didn't read this far because reading bores you, you're too stupid to enter this site. Leave.

5. This site is optimized for viewing with Internet Explorer at a resolution of 800x600 pixels, which is kind of retarded, since my own computer is set at 1024x768.

I thought about a "frequently asked questions" section, but people usually don't ask me questions about the site so much as they say the same shit about it over and over. So in addition to the random question here and there, here's my response to:
FREQUENTLY REHASHED STATMENTS:

1. "You must be a loser to spend all your time working on this site."
Actually, I usually only update it about twice a month, if that, and when I do, it's rare that I spend more than an hour doing it. (and that hour is usually spread over several days) Nice try.

2. "You're closed-minded. Why do you think your opinions are the only ones that are right?"
Well, of course my opinions are always right, because if I thought they were wrong, then I'd change them, doofus. They are, after all, my opinions. I don't consider myself "closed-minded," where I'd immediately dismiss anything that didn't fit into my own narrow view without a thought, and I also don't consider myself "open-minded," where I'd simply accept anything anyone told me without question. I prefer the middle ground, where I form my own opinions and stick by them, and only change them when I find proof to the contrary. (And someone simply telling me their differing opinion isn't what I consider "proof.")

3. "If you think you'll make people stop listening to (insert lame band here), then you're wrong."
Good. If words on a screen can affect your opinion of the music someone makes, then there's something seriously wrong with you. My intention when I made the Slipknot/Korn/etc. pages was to make people who think like me laugh, and maybe get a few amusing hate mail letters. Whether or not you want to listen to them is something I couldn't possibly care less about.

4. "You must be a little pussy hiding behind a computer screen. You'd never say that to anyone's face."
Yeah, I would, and I do quite often. Heh.

5. "You people are weird in Nicaragua."
Yeah, especially when we make multiple references to living in Oklahoma and/or Mississippi... Dumbass. In case you didn't know, it's a reference to the title of Sacred Reich's damn fine 1988 EP entitled Surf Nicaragua. Now you know. And knowing is half the battle.

This is all I could think of in the many ten-minute periods of typing, spread over two weeks, that it took to make this thing. I probably left something out, but either way, you have now been disclaimed.

I remember when I used to get enough site traffic to warrant a disclaimer. *sigh*

So awesome. I should still be using that picture. And that was a title belt over Bruiser Brody's head, before it got obscured by pixel crap.

August 9 , 2002 - Well, this'll be my last update for at least a week or so, and I'll explain why in the latest edition of Random Shit. You know you love it.

This was when I moved here. Neat. And yes, there are a lot of midgets there. Here in Norman, Oklahoma, the strange anomaly is how many people have knee braces on. It's like this town is made of slippery driveways or something.

August 16 - 2002 - I'm an Oklahomo on a cable modem now. Fear me. Oh yeah, there's new reader mail in the WSN and Shitknot sections.

September 30, 2002- Nothing real new as far as actual content, but thanks to the aforementioned cable modem and my discovery of the wonderful world of Soulseek, I've been finding all kinds of new stuff in the way of music. The music collection page has been hella-updated, complete with a slightly new design and a few new reviews. Maybe if I start getting interested in music again, I'll make fun of your favorite band soon. Who knows.

Today's Random Thought: I saw this sign above a sink in the bathroom at work last week: "Do not use the sink. The sink is broken. The system is not leaking. The sink is sunk." I think that's strangley poetic for some reason, and I don't know why.

I finally managed to slow down my trek down the path or internet piracy, but that's mainly because I ran out of CDs to download, and the new ones people put out all suck. Stupid music industry. And I wish I had snagged the sheet of paper with that bathroom poetry on it before I quit that job.

October 25, 2002 - New, sweet, pleasant Random Shit about how much I love baseball. Also, a shitload of new additions to the music collection page, since I'm still a music thief. Also, loads more hate mail.

Today's Random Thought: When surfing through web pages about Japanese wrestling, I often find myself captivated by the subtle, ninja-like sexiness of Mariko Yoshida.

November 5 2002 - Decided to add a little disclaimer to the site. Look up on the menu frame, dude.

Today's Random Thought: Go to the "punk/hardcore/grind" chatroom on Soulseek, wait for a political discussion to come up, and try for at least ten minutes to not laugh out loud at those kids . It's the hardest thing there is to do.

Oh, there's the thing about the disclaimer, heh. And yes, listening to dumb punk kids bitch about how their able-bodied and college-educated asses can't get welfare is both sad and hilarious.

November 7, 2002 - I guess I'm feeling motivated lately. Not one, but TWO new pooplets of Random Shit, and some new additions to the music collection. The music update even includes a CD I actually *gasp* PAID FOR. So to all you hungry musicians out there, with the right combination of musical ruling and having a guy I was once in detention with playing bass, I might actually pay money for your shit. Seriously.

The CD in question was "Welcome to Memphis" by Clenched Fist, and in a stroke of cruel irony, the guy I went to school with (Joe) was no longer the bass player by the time the CD was released. I think he actually was on the original version of the album, but apparently, the tapes got destroyed somehow, and they had to redo it all. I've got a tape somewhere with a couple songs from the original version. I should look for that.

November 10, 2002 - It's the D-R-E, out on a page updatin' spree. Or something. Just three more reviews in the music collection page. See if you can find them. I need to make an "updates archive" page again, because this one is getting way too long. Also, I never made a links page when I moved the site here, and I finally realized that now. Just in case you've got me linked somewhere on your site, drop me a line and tell me, so I can add you to the links page when I make it, and you can take advantage of the tens of tens of people who see this site every day.

Today's Random Thought: If you build a better mousetrap, Mickey Mouse with beat a path to your door and kick your ass.

November 21, 2002 - For some reason, I'm feeling really motivated to type this month. Hmm. New Random Shit, and the usual music collection additions, including another really big one I actually paid money for that got a review. Still no links page, but if I ever finish it, remember to tell me if you linked me anywhere, so I can return the favor. Peace, Holmes.

I saw a woman at work the other day who looked exactly like Axl Rotten of ECW semi-fame. Same hair, face and everything. But I could tell it was female by the voice. It was true horror.

November 26, 2002 - THe usual music collection/review updates, and a new Random Shit about a dire situation that has befallen Your Favorite Website. Check it out now, because in a few months, it might not be there.

I was broke from working at Petsmart and couldn't pay for the site hosting, in case you were wondering what the situation was. A guy sent me 5 bucks to help, but I can't remember what his name was. Hopefully, it'll come up on one of these updates.

December 19, 2002 - A new Random Shit entry, the usual music collection updates, and a new temporary logo for the main page that's right over to your right. I'm planning another fairly major addition, which means, it'll probably never make it to the internet. Heh.

Today's Random Thought: I forgot to put a "Today's Random Thought" under the update on the 26th.

The temporary image was a Christmas one with santa holding two machine guns from that fucked-up South Park Christmas episode. I don't think I have that anymore. Crap.

January 27, 2003 - A few little cosmetic changes here and there, and believe it or not - a new update, and it's not even another Random Shit thingy. Introducing the new monthly feature, the Web Surf Nicaragua Hall of Fame, and another new feature down on the right side of your screen: The Song of the Week. (Which is in Windows Media format, because AudioCatalyst fucks up on my computer, and I'm too lazy to look for another MP3 ripper...) In other news, I still haven't started making the links page or followed through on any phases of the W.S.N. Gimme Money Project. Surprise.

Oh god. The WSN Hall of Fame. The king of unfinished website projects. And the WSN Gimme Money Project was going to be a Cafe Press store where you could buy a shirt with Bolo Yeung on it or something. It may still exist, but I never linked it to the page and no one ever bought anything.

February 2, 2003 - February's addition to the Hall of Fame, new reader mail response, and a new mp3 of the week. Alright then.

Today's Random Thought: That new logo over on the right side of this page rules.

1. Anthrax - "Superhero"
2. Anthrax - "Nobody Knows Anything"
3. Anthrax - "Safe Home"
4. Blood for Blood - "Ain't Like You (Wasted Youth II)"
5. Honkeyball - "Bad Luck II (...Is the First Loser)"
6. Motorhead - "Born to Raise Hell"
7. Yellow Machinegun - "Oh! Die!! Oh Choose Die!!!"
8. Day of Mourning - "Wading in Suffering"
9. M.O.D. - "Brutal Beats"
10. Anthrax - "What Doesn't Die"

February 5, 2004
A new month, and a clean slate on the index page. I put a little "update archive" link over to your left, in case you want to read up on old shit. Oh, yeah, since this is a new update, it's time for the first round of WRESTLING ANNOUNCER SHOWDOWN 2004~! In the qualifying round, Cyrus ran away with the first slot by an unprecedented total of 9~! votes, while Steve Corino held off the challenge opf Violent J, Lita, and Al Snow, to take the second slot with 5. Man, the voter turnout is low for this one. Anyway, here's the next matchup, play-in round winner Cyrus, versus John Watanabe. Cyrus did a fairly decent job as the Bobby Heenan to Joey Styles's Gorilla Monsoon on ECW pay per views, while Watanabe teamed up with such giants as Dan "The Mouth" Lovranski and Eric Geller to make those Tokyopop-released FMW videos almost unwatchable at points. Maybe it's just me, but assuming that the voters are familiar with those involved, this one's gonna be ugly.
Meanwhile, back in real life, nothing too interesting has happened. Today, I heard some song on the radio that was some bullshit indy-rock crap doing a cover of NWA's "Boys in the Hood." I have no idea what band it was, but if there's any justice in the world, they will someday all be stabbed in the neck with rusty screwdrivers by the ghost of Easy E. Man, I hate shit like that. Fuck irony. Fuck all this "I act like I like it, because I think it's funny" bullshit. Fuck pop groups doing covers that they should never do, fuck trucker hats, fuck mullet humor, fuck teenage girls in Motorhead shirts who don't know who Lemmy is, fuck buying work shirts with name patches on them at Goodwill, and fuck you. Ain't got no love for you hos.
Also, fuck anyone who uses the word über, in an otherwise English sentence. That's apparently the new annoying buzzword of the day, in the tradition of "proactive," "paradigm," and "hegemony." Ugh.
Back on the subject of music, I saw some MTV special on The Darkness the other day. Apparently, they're the new "next big thing" in a long line of "The _______s" bands to come down the shitpipe lately. This might be the worst band ever, and that's not even taking into account the ridiculously gay atmosphere they create, at levels not seen since the heyday of Manowar. I had to change the channel after a few minutes, to keep myself from wanting to go fuck guys.
I'm too full of hate today. Man. I think I'm going to go download "The Rainbow Connection" from The Muppet Movie and go mellow out for a while.

The sad thing here is that if I hadn't gotten sick of the Announcer Showdown, it would still be going today. And if you thought I hated "über" then, Imagine how much I hate it now, after all those months of hearing things like "You're going to be so über pumped when you see my new computer! Oh, can I borrow four hundred dollars for all the back rent?" from Hell-Roommate for all those months. God.

Oddly enough, I remember what this was in reference to. After taping some holes in some valves shut in the ol' 280Z, my airflow meter decided to fucking explode, costing me over 200 to get a new one. I miss that car so bad, sometimes.

To put it delicately, in the last matchup, Kreator's Demon stomped the everloving shit out of Jesus Anal Penetration's mascot, Father D. File, by a score of 31 to 16. And in the first matchup of the first round, the family that shows up on a couple Post Mortem albums will more than likely get fucking ruled on by Megadeth's iconic Vic Rattlehead. But hell, you never know, after all, Neal Tanaka made it into the first round, so anything can happen. That's why I decided to actually put it to a vote before going ahead and setting up Eddie vs. Rattlehead. Can the Post Mortem Family continue their Festival of Fun, or will they be Destined for Failure? Will Vic Rattlehead give the Family a Rude Awakening or will he Rust in Peace? Find out in HEAVY METAL MASCOT SHOWDOWN 2003~!
Once again, no new updates. In case you're wondering why this is so early, instead of the semi-regular Thursday/Friday-ish update, it's because I'm moving tomorrow, and I'll be internet-less for a week or so. It's not like it had been getting updates anyway, but at least you get to listen to a Fishbone song. Oh, and "Today's Random Thought" is back. Look up and to the right. See you assholes later.

The Metal Mascot Showdown sure got a lot more votes than it seemed like it should have. I should bring back the Random Thought.

Ever notice how Renee Zelweger's smile looks exactly like the face she makes when she smells a fart?

"Yes, it's nice to meet you, too. Hey, who farted? And does anyone have any food? I haven't eaten in weeks!"

Weird. This is the only image I've ever put on a website in .PNG format. and I miss Big K. I wonder what generic stuff they sell at Albertson's. It's the same company, you know.

Ah, the anniversary. And if you didn't know, "blashamy" is a joke from the hate mail I got from that old Slipknot page I did. I need to find the hate mail pages and put them back up. Those were comedy gold.

April 2, 2004
Heh. You all fell for my April Fool's Day joke, where I didn't update till Friday. Or the one where I tried to make you think I did that on purpose. Heh. Time for WRESTLING ANNOUNCER SHOWDOWN 2004~! Last week, Jim Cornette bitch-slapped the Coach by a score of 18 to 6. This time, it's Eric Gargiulo against Johnny Weaver, and man, I got nothing. One's the CZW guy, and one's one of the guys who used to keep the seat next to Gordon Solie warm. I don't remember which CZW guy that is, but if he's the guy who always tried to call every move by its fancy Japanese name, I'm voting for Weaver.
Nothing else new in terms of website-ness. What a shock. I really need to watch some of those $1 videos from Wal Mart soon. Maybe Saturday. And if you wanted to contribute to the Mongolian Chop (like Spinaroony, but with less spinning and more chopping) send whatever you've got in.
My car still sucks. Another oil change revealed another gallon of gas where my oil should be, and I had to drop 36 bucks (thank you, employee discount) on a new battery last night. On the way home, though, I think I embarrassed some kid in one of those tricked-out little Honda Civics that everyone who can't afford a real car is driving. We didn't race or anything, but I passed him with ease, he was clearly trying to speed up to not get passed, and the sound coming from his little bumblebee engine made it sound like his car was about to explode. And that was at like 46 miles per hour. Needless to say, it destroyed the credibility of that and all future rice rockets. Bow down to the original, bitch. We don't need no stinking spoilers.
Speaking of stupid-looking economy cars someone spent way too much money on, my brother damn near forced me to watch 2 Fast, 2 Furious the other day. Honestly, after you get past the parts of the movie that are like an hour-long rap video, it really wasn't that bad, except for one thing. I want to tell John Singleton and all past, present, and future directors never to let Paul Walker near another movie. Or if you do, make sure it's not a speaking role. That guy makes Keanu Reeves look like Sir Anthony Hopkins by comparison. It got especially nerve-racking when he, as the whitest man in America, would try to come off like he was some sort of hard motherfucker off the thug-ass streets, or whatever. If I was Ludacris or that Tyrese guy and I watched him finish a sentence with "bro" in person, I would have thrown him down and stomped him until he couldn't breathe, just to preserve the honor of my race.
Speaking of guys who are way more white than they apparently think they are, I hate Jim Rome. I'll be listening to his show, and I'll be thinking, "Say, he is informative,. entertaining, and insightful. I might soon forgive him for being a bitch to Jim Everett." Then, he completely ruins it by throwing out all the "urban vernacular," in such a manner that makes Paul Walker look like a member of Mobb Deep or something. "This kid is a baller. He can straight ball." I kid you not, that is an actual JIm Rome quote. When he talks like that, he even makes Stuart Scott's white ass sound sincere. Ugh.
I'll have a song of the week up tonight. I gotta go to work now.

I never did watch any of those videos, come to think of it. Hmm. Fist of Fury II sits less than five feet away, mocking me as I type this. I need to bring back the Discount Rack Video Review. Dammit.

April 7, 2004
Last week in WRESTLING ANNOUNCER SHOWDOWN 2004~!, Johnny Weaver beat Eric Garagioliolioshabbadoo by a pissant score of 13 to 2. Once again, this tournament has killed any ideas I might have had that this website gets a lot of visitors. Well, maybe this week, we'll have a captivating showdown that will once again regturn to the glory of - Oh no. Oh, God no. David "whip him like a dog!" Crockett takes on Lord Alfred "promotional consideration has been paid for by the following" Hayes. I'm gonna go hang myself.
Yeah, another week with no update. Kiss my ass, punk. Lately, I've been getting ideas for stuff to do on here, but it's just that pesky part where you actually have to *do it* that keeps getting in the way. Also, I've thought about maybe doing a total redesign and maybe trimming some of the crap off here, but that can wait until The Mongolian Chop "goes gold", to steal a term from video game dorks. It's getting there; I'm just being really, really lazy lately. As soon as I type up another page or two of stuff and start getting in stuff from the other people who wanna write for it, Spinaroony is going offline forever, and a new, slightly kinda-sorta improved site takes over. Right on. What else is going on aside from that... Let's see here...
Internet piracy is wonderful. There, I've said it. In the last few weeks, I've gotten the entire first (and maybe only) season of Penn & Teller's Bullshit!, the entire first season of Sealab 2021, the first thirty or so issues of The Savage Dragon, a couple episodes of NWA-TNA Xplosion, an episode of WWE Monday Night Raw that I had missed the first half of, the not-yet-released new Death Angel album that I am definitely spending real money on whenever it comes out, a Guano Apes live album that would have cost me 40 bucks to import, (and much like their last studio album, wouldn't be worth the money, even if it was a $15 domestic release - There's about 80 bucks saved on two mediocre discs) and the director's cut of Robocop, which we all know is one of the greatest movies ever made. Right on.
The bad news is that some day, John Ashcroft is probably going to come to my house and whip me with a Bible for downloading all this crap. I'm screwed.
Slow week, so there's not much else to say. I'll try to either have Mongolian Chop up next week, or at least some half-assed update, like a Screwed-Up Video Game Review of Chiller. Who knows.
There wasn't a song of the week request this week, but there was one I totally ignored a couple weeks ago, because I'm a moron. Enjoy the smooth sounds of Anthrax doing a Metallica cover.
Yo holmes, smell ya later.

Heh. Not only did no one ever submit anything for the Mongolian Chop, (after like two people said they would, dammit) but it ended up going offline after a month, anyway. So sad, kid. I don't know what I was thinking when I typed about buying the new Death Angel album. Upon a few more listens, it really kinda blew. And I don't think I ever did the review of "Chiller", either. Damn, I need to get off my ass.

And finally, as a special bonus, here's a review of the WWE Bloodbath DVD, that was only on the site for like a week, if I remember correctly:

A little note before we start here, in that this is a DVD, and the DVD player (or as some might call it, the Playstation 2) is in the living room, so I can't review this while I watch, which is what I normally do. Also, I watched this like a week ago, so what you'll get here is a sentence or two from what I can remember about the match. After all, I am a professional. The actual "Bloodbath" part, which is what also made it to VHS, is all clipped matches, but a lot of stuff was shown in its entirety as DVD extras. I'll tell you when that happens.

Bob Backlund vs. Pat Patterson (complete match) - This was decent, I suppose. A problem I have with a lot of older WWF (WWWF) footage is that whoever taught the NWA guys how to punch wasn't there for the WWF guys, so at some points, you almost have to clench your fists, close your eyes, and go "it's not fake, it's not fake, IT'S NOT FAKE!" to get through the match sometimes. If you can deal with that, though, this was decent. Basic old school cage match, where they punch each other, bleed, and Bob Backlund escapes through the door.

Bruno Sammartino vs. Larry Zbyzsco - As I alluded to in the first review, Bruno Sammartino's punches make Lance Storm's punches look like George Foreman's punches. He isn't very good at that, AT ALL. Aside from that, and the fact that Zbyszco sucks, this was better than it should have been. Another basic old-school one. The non-cage match they had as an Easter egg (scroll to the bottom) was a lot better than this, though.

Bob Backlund vs. Jimmy Snuka - This is more like it. Another basic "punch, kick, punch, bleed" old-school cage match, but Snuka brings a little something extra here, in the form of the missed leap from the top of the cage that had to have freaked the hell out of everyone who watched it. This was probably the first actual *good* match on here.

Jimmy Snuka vs. Don Muraco (complete match) - Oh shit. I don't really have to say much about this one. Superfly leaps off the cage and into our hearts, while Tommy Dreamer, Bubba Ray Dudley, and Mick Foley all simultaneously decided from the audience that they wanted to be wrestlers. Classic.

Magnum TA vs. Tully Blanchard (complete match) - This might be the most intense match I have ever seen. It even made my Kevin Nash fan of a brother go "fuck yeah" once or twice, when Magnum is screaming "NOOOOOOOO!" into the microphone. Your basic brawl, but with TA and Tully stepping it up a notch, the "I quit" part, and the added suspense of a wooden chair-tuned eye-gouging spike, this is easily one of the greatest matches of all time, In my opinion. This alone was worth the 15 bucks I paid at Borders.

Hulk Hogan vs. Paul Orndorff - Hogan sucks balls as a wrestler, but he was always able to step it up a little in the cage. Nice bloodless brawl, but if I had to put a Hogan cage match from Saturday Night's Main Event on here, I'd have picked the Big Bossman match. I haven't seen that match in like 15 years, but I still remember it vividly. It better be on a "Volume Two," if they ever make one.

Ric Flair vs. Ronnie Garvin - Ric Flair and all, but this wasn't very good. Definitely nowhere near as good as their first one at Starrcade 87. Ronnie Garvin basically does a really long jobber squash until he gets rolled up at the end, after the crowd had gotten pissed and made Flair a good guy. Eh. What's with Flair/Garvin cage matches and anticlimactic endings?

Bret Hart vs. Owen Hart (complete match) - This fucking rules. Read my old review here.

Isaac Yankem vs. Bret Hart - You don't actually see this match, which sucks. Basically, it's an interview where Jerry Lawler tells you how he gave himself a nosebleed by picking at a scab in his nose. Kinda interesting, if you haven't already read the story in his book.

Hunter Hearst Helmsley vs. Mankind (complete match) - Back in the day, Triple H could actually have decent matches, especially when some sort of Mick Foley was involved. Triple H wrestles competently, while Mankind bumps like a psycho, (gee, that's unusual...) gets his face smashed by a then-manbeast Chyna, and does the Superfly leap into one of Dude Love's finer moments. This was good.

Triple H vs. The Rock - Not as good as the above, but still okay. I can't remember much about this, but I remember not hating it, so there you go.

Steve Austin vs. Mr. McMahon - This really isn't that bad, all things considered, but it just has no place on here. It was like a long sports entertainment segment with blood, and should never even be mentioned in the same paragraph as TA vs. Blanchard, much less share a DVD with it. I wonder what they could have put on here instead of this...

Edge & Christian vs. The Hardy Boyz - Well, look at who's involved, and you already know what's going down here. Two tag teams get crazy-go-nuts, and the result is a damn fine, if not nearly suicidal cage match. Nice.

Kurt Angle vs. Chris Benoit - This match was the reason I started taping Raw, because I didn't want to miss having another match like this on tape. This was a completely, totally, all-encompassingly awesome match, and the fact that the whole match wasn't shown pisses me off greatly. Once again, if there's a Volume Two, a full version of this better be on there.

Edge vs. Kurt Angle (complete match) - Another fairly awesome one, but goddammit, if I had to get a complete Angle cage match, I would rather have had the Benoit one. Kurt's wearing the silly headgear/wig combination. Heh.

Bruno Sammartino vs. Ivan Koloff (complete match) - I'm sorry, but this absolutely sucked. It's a total squash, and despite Ivan's best efforts to ram his face into the cage at high speeds, it's just too goddamn boring. There's no offense aside from Bruno's punches, and good god, do his punches suck. If I was Ivan Koloff, I'd have left the WWWF after this one, and I'm pretty sure he did.

Bob Backlund vs. Stan Hansen (complete match) - Is this "Wrestling's Most Incredible Cage Matches," or "Bob Backlund's Most Half-Decent Cage Matches"? If they would have let The Bad Man from Borger get most of the offense here, it would have been good, but he barely does anything here. What is it with old WWF matches having the heel get his ass kicked nonstop?

Rock 'n' Roll Express vs. The Andersons (complete match) - Your basic "face in peril" RnR match, your basic "cripple the body part and don't let him tag" Arn and Oly match, except this time, it's in a cage. Hell yes. Awesome.

Shawn Michaels vs. Marty Jannetty (complete match) - Another really good one, and it's funny to hear Johnny Polo and Gorilla Monsoon talking about it being a "Coliseum Video exclusive." Read my old review here.

EASTER EGGS (Find out how to get these HERE, if your dumb ass couldn't find them yourself)

Bruno Sammartino vs. Larry Zbyszco (complete match) - The setup for the cage match, where Bruno was going to have a "scientific" match with Zbyszco, and after getting taken to school, Larry bludgeons him to death with a chair. Bruno ruled when he didn't have to throw punches, and Zbyszco ruled when he, you know, didn't get in any offense. MUCH better than their cage match.

Ric Flair vs. Ronnie Garvin - This is the final moments of their first cage match, as shown from the TV studio on TBS. Kinda neat.

Buddy's Corner, featuring Don Muraco - Buddy Rogers asks the tough questions, Don Muraco gets pissed, and it somehow leads to Superfly Snuka leaping over the top rope. Kinda neat.

Oh yeah, I'm probably going to bring the wrestling site back within a month or two, now that I don't watch wrestling. Heh.
Oh yeah, it wasn't on the Wayback Machine, but here's the first image I ever made for a website, that's somehow survived the site moving from Geocities to Crosswinds to Tripod to ChamberGates and me managing to destroy two perfectly fine computers.

Meanwhile, since I was in the mood to check out some of my interweb history, here's some stuff I dug up after remembering the password to the still-existing Geocities account:

This was back when I still used MSPaint and new nothing of image compression. I think that pukey brown color was originally green, before I saved the image.

This was the background of the "People Who Suck" page, which sadly no longer exists in any form, as far as I know. Imagine this image tiled with yellow text over it and remember how even shittier my web design skills once were.

Another site banner no one used. I sure did a good job of cutting and pasting Mr. T. Yup.

This was the background of the original Geocities guestbook. Oddly enough, it was quite readable with this image behind green text.

Here's my little rant that came immediately after Tripod deleted my site for some unknown reason, which was the final straw leading to me paying for a website. Note all the references to fiveinput.com.

Ah, so it has come to this. Yesterday, Tripod deleted my site without any warning or explanation, leaving Fiveinput Dot Com homeless for the time being. I'm starting the process of moving back to Crosswinds, (whose stuff seems to be actually working for a change, except FTP) but with two jobs and limited time online, this could take a while. Also, I'd like to finish a lot of stuff I've been working on lately, delaying things further. If anything goes wrong from this point, like Crosswinds deleting my site or their ghetto technology making uploads impossible again, I'm not sure what I'll do. At this point, I'm running out of free homepage servers...
Tripod deleted my goddamn site.
Geocities doesn't have enough space.
Angelfire... Yeah, right.
Internettrash doesn't have enough space.
Brinkster has space, but pretty much only allows html, gif, and jpeg files.
Fortunecity has shitloads of space, but strict content standards and ads that take up half the page.
50megs has enough space (obviously), but once again, a half-page of ads.
Talkcity... HAHAHAHAHAHAAHAAHA.
I'm not sure if I've ever seen a page NOT get taken down by Xoom...
And the list continues. The obvious plan of action would be to buy the domain name from Namezero (who rock, unlike my space providers) and drop ten bucks a month on "real" site hosting. But then again, I'm not sure I can justify my broke ass spending money on a site that gets something like seventeen hits a year, between about four people. Then again, with paying comes the freedom to say "fuck" all day long, and show naked chicks washing cars and stuff. Tempting. We'll see what happens. Expect a (not a whole helluva lot) improved Fiveinput Dot Com to be back online in the next feww weeks. Until then, Mr. T's Domain (on Tripod... I feel so dirty...) and the Transformers Sound Archive (which is about to get a makeover) are still online. Knock yourself out.

Does xoom.com still exist? Oh, and here's the page I redirected fiveinput.com to when this all went down. Fun. Meanwhile, I located my old FortuneCity account, and while there wasn't much there that could go here, I did locate the Transformers Sound Archive, so it could be back soon. Also, here's this freaky-ass background I used for a page listing dead Transformers:

Finally, here's the best banner I ever made, from the fiveinput days, that I found on one of the Tripod accounts.

Fantastic. Meanwhile, if you actually read through all this crap, I applaud you and/or pity you. Still weird to think I made this site seven years ago. Damn.