September 26, 2003: So You Wanna Make a Web Page

As this website approaches its fifth anniversary, (October 27th, to be exact, and don't ask me how the hell I remember that - Check back for more on this later. Like, oh I don't know, on October 27th.) Web Surf Nicaragua has achieved heights of moderate unpopularity previously not cared about at all by the online community. The internet is a vast expanse of zeros and ones that encompasses many ideas and schools of thought, and the visitors to this site are merely a microcosm of this community of information-seekers as a whole. A look at the search keywords that led web-surfers to this site shows a broad array of subjects. And just what are some of the terms these modern-day explorers were so curious about? Let's have a look at a few toward the top of the list of the actual web statistics for this site:

Oh no. Oh god. Oh fuck. Oh fucking god, no. The internet is a sick, evil, twisted, awful, evil, dirty, evil, evil place. And I don't know how this happened, but the web site I so lovingly created over these years has seemingly mainly attracted an audience of people who want to have sex with members of their immediate family, in between periods of shitting on people, fucking pigs and little kids, and then having sex with members of their extended family. And to make matters worse, they want to do it all while listening to Slipknot. Somewhere along the line, I have apparently made several poor choices with my online content, and I urge you not to do the same. So in the little time I have left before the FBI raids my apartment and drags me off for inciting the biggest wave of incest to ever hit the tri-state area, (I think they call that the "Ok-La-Tex" around here. I'm just guessing, because I used to be in the "Ark-La-Miss") I'd like to share a few pointers on how your own web page endeavors can suck a lot less than mine.

First of all, keep your expectations low. Yeah, we'd all love the worldwide recognition and swimming pools full of hot bitches that people like Seanbaby and Maddox get, but in all likelihood, you'll either get a few random people who know you from real life or a gay-ass chatroom somewhere who'll sign your guestbook with "LOL! love ur site! see ya soon!!" or a random assortment of nerds and dorks who will try to send you to their own web pages, many of which will suck as bad as your own. Chances are pretty good that your page of pictures from *insert random nerdy cartoon here* that were taken from other websites, your pictures of internet friends you'll never meet, or your little rants about why *insert subject no one cares about* sucks won't turn the entertainment world on its ear. So when six months go by, your hit counter has 200 hits, and 155 of those were from you checking your hit counter, don't get too distraught. Or better yet, just don't get a hit counter and live in ignorant bliss, like I do.

Then, there are questions you need to ask yourself regarding the actual content of your website, before you actually click the little button to publish any of it.
First of all, are you doing anything even the slightest bit original? Making a page where you rant about shit is fine, but every now and then, try to make sure you pick a subject that hasn't been run into the ground already. If I ever see someone write an article for a website that includes the words "I hate preppies" or "we're all bred to be consumers," I'm going to find whoever wrote it and kill them with repeated blows from a blunt object, preferably a shovel. Mainly because if I use a shovel, I'll have something right there on hand to bury the body with. I figure no one will miss them too badly, since they're probably interchangeable with at least a few dozen other web dorks. Also, if you make a "fan page" about a band, movie, person, etc., try to actually have some original content on there. Don't just go to all the other websites, grab a bunch of their pictures, and copy and paste some interviews and song lyrics. Not only is that a waste of fucking time, but it will also piss off whoever actually did the work in the first place. Needless to say, this has happened to me quite a few times, most notably being the time someone copied and pasted my shitty little anti-Metallica rant as their own, and the time some other guy became a big hit on Fark for posting that picture of Bob Sapp eating kittens, under the false pretenses that he had done it himself. So if you're ever bored and lame enough to wonder why there's a website logo in the corner of that pic, now you know.
Then, ask yourself if you are doing anything that anyone will give a shit about in a thousand years. I'm sorry. But the world doesn't need any more "THESE ARE PICTURES OF MY COOL FRIENDS!" pages. Especially, when you consider that the bulk of the people who are ever going to see the page are on the page itself. Not to mention that they probably already know what everyone on there looks like anyway. And the people who will see your page who don't know those people won't care, either. Why? Because they don't fucking know those people. I'm not telling you that every thing you do has to be filled to the brim with cultural relevance, but just try not to waste your time. I once had a Random Shit entry up that just listed all the shit I had won on Ebay, which at that point numbered almost in the teens. Yeah, that's worthy of bandwidth. Not to mention the quotes from Mutant League Football. Jeez.
Finally, once you've determined that your soon-to-be published web page is at least semi-original and at least as thought-provoking as a Carrot Top performance, there's one more question to ask, and it's the most important: Does this page suck? Asking myself this question would have saved me from a lot of "jeez, what was I thinking?" moments. In case you're not one of the four or five people who had seen the original Geocities version of Web Surf Nicaragua back around November 1998, I must remind you of two of the worst web pages ever made. First, there was a page that analyzed the patterns of the "eeny, meeny, miney, moe" game and attempted to inform the reader of how to cheat at it. Seriously. And that's not even the worst of the two, lest I forget the horrible memory that is "Six Degrees of Phoenix, Arizona." You see, there's this popular little game where people try to link any two actors together using six degrees of separation with Kevin Bacon. It actually works, and it's pretty clever. My version was to connect any heavy metal band to the city of Phoenix, Arizona. Yeah. It wasn't until later that it occurred to me that all of them could easily be "they played there once." Pardon me while I go slit my fucking throat, thinking about how dumb that page was.

And then, there's the most important piece of advice I can give: The internet is not real. Don't take this crap seriously. If no one likes your web page, who cares? Despite what all the angry emails you'll get will tell you, this isn't your entire life we're talking about here. Also, if people DO like your page, that also doesn't mean a goddamn thing. Let's put it this way: Your website can be a source of joy and laughter for millions, and it can be on all sorts of "best of the web" lists, but in the grand scheme of things, it's still just a stupid little web site, and you're still a dork behind a computer. To put it bluntly, having the greatest website in the world won't get you laid. Not in a million years. Well, unless it's a porn site. Then, it'll get you laid. I oughtta look into that. Aaaaanyway, the internet isn't real, and nothing here really matters.
If you say something that someone else takes offense to, don't get all depressed or start threatening to kick their ass. It will only make you look like a bigger idiot than your shitty little site already did. If you'd like, politely respond by elaborating on why you think you're right and they're wrong, or better yet, just make fun of them. Not taking the internet seriously brings about one of the great joys of the internet: destroying people who DO take it seriously. Remember, most of the people on the internet are complete freaking morons. I think AOL is still the most popular service provider out there, for an example. (and while we're talking about web statistics, I referred to Disturbed as "Destrubed" in an album review, to make fun of non-spelling internet doofuses. Toward the bottom of the list, guess what showed up in the search keywords? Yup. "Destrubed.") Making fun of internet chimps who think they've really "showed you" is the most fun you can have with a web page, so be sure to write at least one paragraph that will piss these people off.

Now, with these things in mind, you're ready to start your own awful web site. Oh yeah, one more thing, though. If you have even the slightest amount of emo-kid tendencies, please don't make the title of your page be in small, all-lowercase letters with a period at the end. Unless you want me to cut your throat with the broken shards of a Sacred Reich record. I hate that shit. Now, go.